- [Charlie is waking up the President]
- Charlie Young: Sir, I need you to dig in now. It wasn't a nightmare. You really are the President.
- Josh Lyman: [C.J. appears with an obviously a swollen cheek] What the hell happened?
- Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I had woot canaw.
- Josh Lyman: What happened to your cheeks?
- Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I had woot canaw.
- Josh Lyman: Why are you talking like that?
- Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I HAD WOOT CANAW!
- Josh Lyman: [smiling] Yeah, I heard you the first time. I was just amusing myself.
- Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: I can suggest some othew things you can do wiff yourseff.
- Josh Lyman: The hardest job in the White House is the President. The second hardest job is not Chief of Staff, it's not National Security Advisor, and it's not Press Secretary, although I'm gaining a certain amount of respect for Press Secretaries. The second hardest job in the White House belongs to a 21-year-old kid named Charlie Young. He's what's called the President's body man, his personal aide. He's with the President morning to night. He has a range of responsibilities, all of them difficult. But the one he hates most in this: From time to time it is his job to wake the President up in the morning. And on this particular morning, the President had gone to sleep only three hours earlier.
- Josh Lyman: Uh, long story short - you're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.
- President Josiah Bartlet: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
- Josh Lyman: No.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Why am I going to be reading that I do?
- Josh Lyman: It was suggested in the press room that you did.
- President Josiah Bartlet: By who?
- Josh Lyman: By me.
- President Josiah Bartlet: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
- Josh Lyman: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear I did not do that. Except yes, I did that.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Josh, I'm a little confused.
- Josh Lyman: Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic! There's no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid.
- Josh Lyman: First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with... though not really, and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Who did?
- Josh Lyman: I did.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Oh, God.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Okay, before we go on - C.J., if blood is gushing from the head wound you just received from a stampeding herd of bison, you'll do the press briefing.
- Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yes sir.
- Officer Peter: You walk in here, you tell me you work for the President...
- Sam Seaborn: [looks at officer's name tag] Officer Peter, we're in a certain amount of trouble tonight and the only thing I've got going for me is that you're in more trouble than we are. My name is Sam Seaborn, I work for the President and the sooner you reach the conclusion that I'm telling you the truth the better off we're all gonna be. Why don't you go get your watch commander?
- [Officer Peter leaves the room. Sam turns to Toby]
- Sam Seaborn: Let me tell you something. If we'd have stayed on the Merritt parkway instead of getting off on exit 29 and going east to Greenwich, I don't think we'd have wound up in Bridgeport so many times.
- Toby Ziegler: Shut up.
- Danny Concannon: [Josh is about to do a press briefing when Danny approaches him] You're not gonna do this.
- Josh Lyman: Do the briefing?
- Danny Concannon: You're not gonna do this.
- Josh Lyman: I talk to reporters all the time.
- Danny Concannon: You really don't want to do this.
- Josh Lyman: Let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not your sixth-grade teacher you had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House press corps.
- [heads to the podium]
- Danny Concannon: Okey-dokey.
- C.J. Cregg: [C.J. had a root canal, and can't speak clearly] I can't do the bwiefing... I can't even say bwiefing!
- Josh Lyman: [Leo has to meet with the President in the morning to discuss a series of mishaps involving the staff] Can I say something?
- Leo McGarry: What?
- Josh Lyman: A lot of this is our fault. And the President probably isn't going to take this very well and we just want you to know that we will be there with you in spirit tomorrow morning.
- Leo McGarry: You're gonna be there with me in every way imaginable, Josh.
- Josh Lyman: You bet.
- Judge Roberto Mendoza: You pull all the strings you want, Toby, but not for me. Come Monday, I'm gonna avail myself of the criminal justice system for which I have worked my entire adult life.
- Toby Ziegler: Judge, due respect. Get your things and let's go.
- Judge Roberto Mendoza: [angrily] My kid was in the car, Toby. They patted me down and they handcuffed me in front of my nine-year-old boy. Then he and his mother got to see them put me in the squad car and drive away.
- Toby Ziegler: He's also seen you wearing a robe with a gavel in your hand.
- Judge Roberto Mendoza: He doesn't understand that. He doesn't know what that is. He understands what the police are because he watches television. That's what he's gonna remember, his father being handcuffed. So America just got another pissed-off guy with dark skin.
- Josh Lyman: [Toby has phoned Josh to tell him that he and Sam are lost] Toby, how hard can it be to find the Wesley police station?
- Toby Ziegler: I don't know, Josh, but while we're looking, can you tell me a little more about the President's secret plan to fight inflation?
- Josh Lyman: [brief pause] How long before you let up on me on that?
- Toby Ziegler: Oh, it's gonna take a little while, I would think.
- Sam Seaborn: There's a store open up there. I'm gonna pull over and ask 'em if they know where the Wesley police station is.
- Toby Ziegler: Or you could just pull in there,
- [points]
- Toby Ziegler: at the Wesley police station and ask them.
- Sam Seaborn: Hey!
- Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
- Sam Seaborn: Look!
- Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
- Josh Lyman: [after his disastrous press briefing] Donna, call up Toby's office and see if he was watching.
- Toby Ziegler: [From off camera] Where the hell is he?
- Josh Lyman: Never mind.
- Toby Ziegler: It's your lucky night, officers. There isn't going to be a report, there isn't going to be an investigation, no one's getting suspended. And no one's filing a hundred million dollar lawsuit against the county that they would almost surely win. But in this room, you're gonna apologize to Mr. Mendoza. And then you're gonna get in your squad car and you're gonna follow us and you're gonna apologize to his son.
- Sgt. MacNamara: Judge Mendoza, we sincerely apologize for our mistake.
- Judge Roberto Mendoza: Thank you.
- Toby Ziegler: Let's go.
- Leo McGarry: [about Roberto Mendoza] He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?
- Sam Seaborn: Yeah.
- Leo McGarry: How's a person do that?
- Sam Seaborn: Well, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, then cut over to the Merritt Parkway 'round Milford.
- Toby Ziegler: [after a moment] There's something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?
- Sam Seaborn: Yeah.
- [Justice Mendoza has been wrongfully arrested]
- Toby Ziegler: Hello, Mr. Justice. How are you?
- Judge Roberto Mendoza: Incarcerated, Toby. How are you?
- Sgt. MacNamara: [explaining his arrest of Roberto Mendoza for suspicion of drunk driving] I'm the one that pulled him over, you know. His driving was erratic. Still not entirely convinced he hadn't been drinking.
- Sam Seaborn: Well, you have a problem there.
- Sgt. MacNamara: What's that?
- Sam Seaborn: Judge Mendoza has chronic persistent hepatitis, which is a non-progressive form of liver inflammation. If he'd had enough to drink to blow point one on the blood-alcohol, he'd be dead right now.
- [drinks from coffee cup]
- Sam Seaborn: This is good coffee.
- Toby Ziegler: Have you fallen on your head?
- Josh Lyman: Toby... Listen...
- Toby Ziegler: Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?
- C.J. Cregg: I'm experiencing some pain.
- Sam Seaborn: For how long?
- C.J. Cregg: About a month now, but it'll go away by itself.
- Sam Seaborn: When?
- C.J. Cregg: When I die, Sam.
- Leo McGarry: Mr. President, we experienced a few public relations - what's the word?
- Toby Ziegler: Catastrophes.
- Leo McGarry: ...incidents, in the few hours you were away last night.
- Danny Concannon: [At a press conference] Is the reason you won't tell us about it that it's a secret?
- Josh Lyman: Yeah, Danny. We have a secret inflation plan.
- Toby Ziegler: [Toby is in a jail cell with Judge Mendoza who's been erroneously arrested for drunk driving] One phone call, Judge. "Toby, this has happened. Tell them my name's Roberto Mendoza and the President's named me to the bench!"
- Judge Roberto Mendoza: They pulled me over because I look like my name is Roberto Mendoza and I'm coming to rob your house.
- Toby Ziegler: There's nothing about this that doesn't stink. If it were me, I'd want to extract vengeance, and I'd say "Let justice be done." I'd also want to spend some time in a dark room alone, so that I didn't have to face my wife and my son and have them see my humiliation. Rob, I can't get this done if this is the story. Can't get it done. Nothing about this that doesn't stink. And nothing about it that wouldn't be better if you were a Supreme Court Justice. Let me take you to the motel. Go see your boy.
- President Josiah Bartlet: I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife's in Argentina. Let's get this over with.
- Danny Concannon: I'm sorry, Mr. President. You didn't answer the question.
- President Josiah Bartlet: I was hoping you weren't going to notice that, Danny.
- Josh Lyman: We decided to move the press briefing to 2 to cover the teachers. But C.J. had emergency Root Canal at noon and was unable to do the briefing.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Who did the briefing?
- Josh Lyman: I did.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Oh, God.
- Sam Seaborn: [bursts in] We have a problem.
- Toby Ziegler: No kidding!
- Sam Seaborn: Not Josh.
- Josh Lyman: Praise God.
- Sam Seaborn: Although I gotta say, telling a reporter his question is stupid is not like a page out of Dale Carnegie or anything.
- Deborah O'Leary, Secretary of Housing & Urban Development: Leo, If I've got to go and ask Wooden for forgiveness, he's going to lord it over me from now until the end of time.
- Leo McGarry: It's the cost of doing business.