The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)
The Christmas Lunch Incident (1996)
Emma Chambers: Alice Tinker
Photos
Quotes
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[first lines]
Alice Tinker : Vicar?
Geraldine Granger : Mm-hm?
Alice Tinker : What you looking forward to more than anything else at Christmas this year?
Geraldine Granger : Well, my highlights are going to be Jurassic Park and the Queen's speech, written this year by Ruby Wax, I believe. And what about you?
Alice Tinker : I'm totally excited about your first Christmas sermon; it, it's just going to be an experience I'll never forget.
Geraldine Granger : Alice, my *first* Christmas sermon was last Christmas.
Alice Tinker : Oh, yeah, I forgot.
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[last lines]
Hugo Horton : I-I-I'm not a great speech-maker. Get so nervous I usually start gibbering absolute talkish. I-I-I I just wanted to say: this village didn't amount to doodle-squat before the vicar arrived. N-Now it's a fantastic place to live.
Jim Trott , Owen Newitt , Frank Pickle : Hear, hear!
Owen Newitt : She's the first person ever to make me feel genuinely desirable.
Hugo Horton : Exactly, Owen. So I-I-I'd like you all to raise your glasses to our own dear vicar.
Jim Trott , Owen Newitt , Frank Pickle : Hear, hear.
David Horton : To the vicar!
David Horton , Alice Tinker , Jim Trott , Owen Newitt , Frank Pickle : The vicar!
Hugo Horton : And we hope she soon recovers from what seems to have been a truly sensational bout of indigestion.
Geraldine Granger : [from the WC] Thanks a lot. I should be out just after New Year.
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Geraldine Granger : [post credits] Right. Knock, knock.
Alice Tinker : Who's there?
Geraldine Granger : The interrupting sheep.
Alice Tinker : The interrupting she...
Geraldine Granger : Baaaaa! You get it?
Alice Tinker : No, sorry, 'cause I hadn't finished my bit. Do it again, and...
Geraldine Granger : No, that's the joke, you see. The interrupting sheep always interrupts people. See?
Alice Tinker : And that's funny?
Geraldine Granger : Yes. It's hilarious.
Alice Tinker : Oh, well in that case, I know hundreds of hilarious jokes like that.
Geraldine Granger : Do you?
Alice Tinker : Yeah, I do. Uh, knock, knock.
Geraldine Granger : Who's there?
Alice Tinker : Uh, the interrupting cow.
Geraldine Granger : The interrupting...
Alice Tinker : Mooo.
[Geraldine just nods]
Alice Tinker : Knock, knock.
Geraldine Granger : Who's there?
Alice Tinker : The interrupting rabbit.
Geraldine Granger : The interrupting rabbit who?
Alice Tinker : [pause] What noise does a rabbit make? I know they sort of twitch their noses and...
Geraldine Granger : I wonder if I could get the Church to agree to the idea of verger culling.
Alice Tinker : [miming a rabbit] Tch tch tch tch tcn...
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Geraldine Granger : Now then, just before we start eating, I'd like to tell you a little story.
Alice Tinker , Mary Tinker : Ooh, lovely!
Geraldine Granger : It's about a lovely kind woman, who's a vicar.
Alice Tinker : Ooh, just like you?
Geraldine Granger : Yes. And because she was trying to be kind to her parishioners, she agreed to have three different sets of Christmas Lunch.
Alice Tinker : Oh, that's hilarious!
Geraldine Granger : [laughs] Isn't it, yes? I mean, the first lunch, she was OK. By the second lunch, she was *trying* to manage to get it down. But by the time she got to the third family, she was absolutely *stuffed*!
Mrs. Tinker : Was she?
Geraldine Granger : Yes, she was.
Mrs. Tinker : Was she?
Geraldine Granger : Yes, she was.
Mrs. Tinker : Ah, she was, was she?
Geraldine Granger : YES! She couldn't eat another bite!
Alice Tinker : I bet the thought of one more slice of turkey made her absolutely sick.
Mary Tinker : I bet it made her absolutely sick.
Mrs. Tinker : Did it?
Alice Tinker : I bet it did.
Mrs. Tinker : It did, did it?
Geraldine Granger : Yes, it certainly did. But since the third family was where her absolute best, best friend lived...
Alice Tinker : Oh, like *I'm* your best friend!
Geraldine Granger : Yes! She decided to tell her best friend all about the three meals problem.
Alice Tinker : Oh, good idea.
Geraldine Granger : Yes. Cause she knew her best friend would take pity on her, and say "Hey, you don't have to eat all that food if you don't want to. Just have a cup of tea instead." You know, to help her out.
Alice Tinker : Oh, that's where it's not like me at all!
Mrs. Tinker , Mary Tinker : No.
Geraldine Granger : No?
Alice Tinker : No. Cause if she was my best friend, and we'd cooked a meal for her, like we've cooked this one for you, and it turned out she'd eaten already, I'd just cry and cry. My sister would cry. Look, she's crying already just hearing the story. And I'd probably be scarred psychologically for the rest of my life by this dreadful tale of betrayal and deceit.
[Awkward pause]
Geraldine Granger : [Nods] Right. Well, we'd better... tuck in, then, eh?
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[Playing Charades, everyone is mystified by Alice holding a tupperware container of spaghetti in one hand and a jar of mayonnaise in the other]
David Horton : It's definitely a film?
Alice Tinker : Yes.
Frank Pickle : And it is one word?
Alice Tinker : [laughing] Yes!
[Everyone shrugs]
Alice Tinker : Give up?
David Horton , Frank Pickle , Hugo Horton , Jim Trott , Owen Newitt : Yes!
Alice Tinker : It's Jars!
Jim Trott : Jars?
Alice Tinker : I've not seen it, but apparently it's about these big jars that attack people.
Owen Newitt : Jaws, you stupid girl! You're talking about Jaws!
