- Jim Trott: I was so excited, I made love to a Swedish journalist.
- Geraldine Granger: We know, Jim. We were chained to you at the time.
- Owen Newitt: [brainstorming on how to save Dibley from being replaced by a reservoir] I've had another superb idea, Vicar... With this one there's an absolute minimum of sickening violence... We get Dibley classified as a site of natural environmental importance.
- Geraldine Granger: [sceptical] Right, how do we do that?
- Owen Newitt: We find a species of animal that isn't found anywhere else in the world.
- Geraldine Granger: I think finding a new animal in Dibley is about as likely as finding intellectual life on Ibiza.
- Owen Newitt: That's just where you're wrong, Vicar. Dibley could be, for instance, the only place on earth with a genuine, 3-legged cow.
- Geraldine Granger: [amazed] You've managed to breed a 3-legged cow?
- Owen Newitt: I'm very close. I've got a 4-legged cow and a sharp axe. That's where the small amount of sickening violence comes in.
- Jim Trott: [the Parish Council is discussing possibilities for the town's millennium statue] My great, great, great, great, great grandfather, he was a famous man.
- Geraldine Granger: Really, Jim.
- Jim Trott: Oh, yes. He sailed the seven seas in search of gold and treasure.
- Geraldine Granger: Wow. What did he bring back?
- Jim Trott: Typhus.
- David Horton: [seeing Geraldine chained to the church] You look like an extra in a low-budget remake of a film by Ken Russell.
- Owen Newitt: [walking into the parish hall] Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake of going in my toilet this morning, and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.
- David Horton: Any ideas for the millennium statue?
- Geraldine Granger: Ooh, goodie, I've been looking forward to this. Glorious Dibley in all her glorious glory. Who's gonna go first?
- Owen Newitt: Ah, me. When you said famous people from Dibley's past, does that include murderers?
- Geraldine Granger: Well, I'd rather it wasn't a murderer, if that's all right with you, Owen.
- Owen Newitt: Right. Well, that's my family out, then.
- Jim Trott: If you'd like me to take over for a bit, you only have to say the word.
- Geraldine Granger: Oh, that's very sweet of you, Jim. But no thank you. I'm determined to see this out till the press get here, even if it takes a week.
- Jim Trott: You wouldn't like just to go to the loo?
- Geraldine Granger: No thanks.
- Alice Horton: Look, she's amazing. She must have a bladder the size of Lake Titicaca. Not like me. My Mum only has to go "Tinker, Tinker" or
- [hisses]
- Alice Horton: or
- [whistles]
- Alice Horton: and I'm absolutely bursting!
- [Geraldine fidgets uncomfortably]
- Geraldine Granger: Actually, sorry Jim, do you think you *could* take over?
- [Alice shuffles away, clutching a hand to her crotch]
- Geraldine Granger: You've got a key, haven't you?
- [Jim rummages in his pockets for a key]
- [Most of the parishioners are now chained to the church with the vicar, including baby Geraldine in her bouncer]
- David Horton: Still here, eh?
- Geraldine Granger: Yes. Still standing firm, despite what you think!
- David Horton: I think, in the end, it's not a bad idea.
- [Unzips his jacket to reveal a 'SAVE DIBLEY' t shirt]
- David Horton: Chain me up, Scotty!
- [Takes out two pairs of handcuffs from his pockets. The others cheer]
- [the protesters have just finished singing You'll Never Walk Alone]
- Geraldine Granger: Right. Your turn next, Frank. Only 6 hours to go before dawn, so make it a good 'un!
- Frank Pickle: I've got just the thing.
- [sings]
- Frank Pickle: 100,000 green bottles, hanging on the wall; 100,000 green...
- [the others join in]
- Geraldine Granger, Frank Pickle, Jim Trott, Hugo Horton, David Horton: [singing] ... bottles hanging on the wall; And if one green bottle should accidentally fall; There'll be 99,999 green bottles hanging on the wall.
- Jim Trott: [Bringing in a clipboard with a petition] I've got 500 this afternoon.
- Geraldine Granger: That's fantastic! All opposed to the reservoir?
- Jim Trott: No no no no, they didn't give a toss for the reservoir, but I asked them to sign if they thought that Claudia Schiffer should get her tits out more often.
- Geraldine Granger: Right.
- [Looks through the signatures]
- Geraldine Granger: I see you've managed to sign it 10 times, Owen.
- Owen Newitt: It's a cause I feel very passionately about.
- David Horton: Vicar, much as I applaud your efforts, I fear we have to accept the compensation the water company offer us, however derisory that is.
- [Geraldine sighs]
- Hugo Horton: Oh, I thought they offered you 4 million pounds?
- Jim Trott, Frank Pickle, Owen Newitt: [Shocked] What?
- David Horton: Yes, well... um... do you think I'm happy about that?
- Hugo Horton: Well... you were dancing around the rose garden singing.
- David Horton: [Warningly] Hugo.
- Hugo Horton: [singing and dancing] Money money money; Must be funny...
- Owen Newitt: You treacherous git! You'd sacrifice this village for your own personal greed - have you no respect for tradition?
- Geraldine Granger: Well said, Owen!
- Owen Newitt: For centuries my family's been massacring deer, staging cockfights and gassing foxes in this valley, and we don't intend stopping now!
- Geraldine Granger: *Less* well said, Owen!
- David Horton: [Showing Owen a notebook] Incidentally, this is what you'd be getting for your farm, by the way.
- [Owen's eyes widen]
- Owen Newitt: [sings and dances] Who wants to be a millionaire?
- [High pitched]
- Owen Newitt: I do!
- [Speaking]
- Owen Newitt: You're right, Dave - Dibley's a dump!
- Geraldine Granger: Oh, for goodness sakes, Owen! There are people here who don't own their own properties.
- [Indicates Jim and Frank]
- Geraldine Granger: You know, they won't get any compensation at all.
- Owen Newitt: Well, sod 'em! *Now* will you sleep with me? I can pay you big time, babe!
- Alice Horton: It's the water company - they got your letter.
- Geraldine Granger: Hope it wasn't too rude.
- Alice Horton: They thought you'd like to know there's only one D in 'pederast'. And they're not sure that 'knob guzzler' is a real word.
- David Horton: You'll all be pleased to know that I have written a very strongly worded letter to the Chairman of the water company.
- Geraldine Granger: Oh bravo, mein Führer! What does it say?
- David Horton: Well, hold on to your hats. "Dear Sir Michael, Dibley has now been without water for a *fortnight*. Which is clearly... well, pretty well... you know, less than satisfactory."
- Geraldine Granger: Is that it?
- David Horton: That is pretty strong stuff to a Knight of the Realm!
- Geraldine Granger: Well, luckily I've written my *own* rather strongly worded letter to the Chairman.
- David Horton: *How* strongly worded?
- Geraldine Granger: Well, you'll see. "Dear Sir Useless Baboon's Bottom, I think you should know that down our way, you're about as popular as Judas Escariot at a Discipline Reunion."
- David Horton: And you think we should send that instead?
- Geraldine Granger: [Nods] Mmm. Just as soon as I've checked if there's a hyphen in 'dickhead', yeah.
- David Horton: Well, I'm afraid you'll be outvoted. Who thinks that we should resort to counterproductive pointless personal abuse?
- [All the others raise their hands]
- Jim Trott: Absolutely!
- David Horton: [sighs] Oh, very well - be it on your own heads!
- [At a Council meeting, everyone is looking unkempt due to not having been able to wash or shave because of the drought]
- David Horton: We'll try to keep this meeting short as the smell really is intolerable.
- Geraldine Granger: [Fanning herself] Has one of us actually died and not realised?
- Jim Trott: I-I like having a beard. You keep finding bits of dinner in it. I-I can make a meal last an entire evening.
- [Picks something out of his beard]
- Jim Trott: Delicious... interestimg combinations.
- [Eats it]
- Jim Trott: Rhubarb... and grilled fish.
- [Owen enters]
- Owen Newitt: Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake of going in my toilet this morning and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.
- Mr. Badcock: We have listened very carefully to the more detailed environmental arguments, and after the discovery at a local farm of a blue-crested one-legged chicken, we believe the area to be of unique natural importance.
- Owen Newitt: Or we could discover the world's only short-nosed badger. All it would take is a long-nosed badger and a big pair of secateurs.
- David Horton: Champagne, Jim?
- Jim Trott: No no no no no no yes, please. I never say no no no no to a glass of bubbly.
- David Horton: As we all know, we've all been experiencing very hot weather.
- Jim Trott: I have taken to sleeping in the nude.
- Geraldine Granger: On the village green. we know, Jim, as do the police.