The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Summer (2000)

Roger Lloyd Pack: Owen Newitt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Owen Newitt : [brainstorming on how to save Dibley from being replaced by a reservoir]  I've had another superb idea, Vicar... With this one there's an absolute minimum of sickening violence... We get Dibley classified as a site of natural environmental importance.

  Geraldine Granger : [sceptical]  Right, how do we do that?

  Owen Newitt : We find a species of animal that isn't found anywhere else in the world.

  Geraldine Granger : I think finding a new animal in Dibley is about as likely as finding intellectual life on Ibiza.

  Owen Newitt : That's just where you're wrong, Vicar. Dibley could be, for instance, the only place on earth with a genuine, 3-legged cow.

  Geraldine Granger : [amazed]  You've managed to breed a 3-legged cow?

  Owen Newitt : I'm very close. I've got a 4-legged cow and a sharp axe. That's where the small amount of sickening violence comes in.

• Owen Newitt : [walking into the parish hall]  Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake of going in my toilet this morning, and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.

• David Horton : Any ideas for the millennium statue?

  Geraldine Granger : Ooh, goodie, I've been looking forward to this. Glorious Dibley in all her glorious glory. Who's gonna go first?

  Owen Newitt : Ah, me. When you said famous people from Dibley's past, does that include murderers?

  Geraldine Granger : Well, I'd rather it wasn't a murderer, if that's all right with you, Owen.

  Owen Newitt : Right. Well, that's my family out, then.

• Jim Trott : [Bringing in a clipboard with a petition]  I've got 500 this afternoon.

  Geraldine Granger : That's fantastic! All opposed to the reservoir?

  Jim Trott : No no no no, they didn't give a toss for the reservoir, but I asked them to sign if they thought that Claudia Schiffer should get her tits out more often.

  Geraldine Granger : Right.

  [Looks through the signatures] 

  Geraldine Granger : I see you've managed to sign it 10 times, Owen.

  Owen Newitt : It's a cause I feel very passionately about.

• David Horton : Vicar, much as I applaud your efforts, I fear we have to accept the compensation the water company offer us, however derisory that is.

  [Geraldine sighs] 

  Hugo Horton : Oh, I thought they offered you 4 million pounds?

  Jim Trott , Frank Pickle , Owen Newitt : [Shocked]  What?

  David Horton : Yes, well... um... do you think I'm happy about that?

  Hugo Horton : Well... you were dancing around the rose garden singing.

  David Horton : [Warningly]  Hugo.

  Hugo Horton : [singing and dancing]  Money money money; Must be funny...

  Owen Newitt : You treacherous git! You'd sacrifice this village for your own personal greed - have you no respect for tradition?

  Geraldine Granger : Well said, Owen!

  Owen Newitt : For centuries my family's been massacring deer, staging cockfights and gassing foxes in this valley, and we don't intend stopping now!

  Geraldine Granger : *Less* well said, Owen!

  David Horton : [Showing Owen a notebook]  Incidentally, this is what you'd be getting for your farm, by the way.

  [Owen's eyes widen] 

  Owen Newitt : [sings and dances]  Who wants to be a millionaire?

  [High pitched] 

  Owen Newitt : I do!

  [Speaking] 

  Owen Newitt : You're right, Dave - Dibley's a dump!

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, for goodness sakes, Owen! There are people here who don't own their own properties.

  [Indicates Jim and Frank] 

  Geraldine Granger : You know, they won't get any compensation at all.

  Owen Newitt : Well, sod 'em! *Now* will you sleep with me? I can pay you big time, babe!

• [At a Council meeting, everyone is looking unkempt due to not having been able to wash or shave because of the drought] 

  David Horton : We'll try to keep this meeting short as the smell really is intolerable.

  Geraldine Granger : [Fanning herself]  Has one of us actually died and not realised?

  Jim Trott : I-I like having a beard. You keep finding bits of dinner in it. I-I can make a meal last an entire evening.

  [Picks something out of his beard] 

  Jim Trott : Delicious... interestimg combinations.

  [Eats it] 

  Jim Trott : Rhubarb... and grilled fish.

  [Owen enters] 

  Owen Newitt : Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake of going in my toilet this morning and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.

• Owen Newitt : Or we could discover the world's only short-nosed badger. All it would take is a long-nosed badger and a big pair of secateurs.