The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Merry Christmas (2004)

Roger Lloyd Pack: Owen Newitt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Owen Newitt : Do you wish to say anything else, Chairman, before we take a vote?

  David Horton : Take a vote on what?

  Owen Newitt : On this tax dodge.

  Frank Pickle : All those in favour of the tax dodge?

  [Hugo raises his hand] 

  Frank Pickle : All those against?

  [Everyone else raises their hands except David] 

  David Horton : Look, it is not a tax dodge, it's a legitimate tax avoidance measure.

  Frank Pickle : All those against the legitimate tax avoidance measure?

  [Everyone raises their hands except David and Hugo] 

  Owen Newitt : And all those who think that 'legitimate tax avoidance measure' is just a poncy way of saying 'tax dodge' anyway?

  [Everyone except David raises their hands, including Hugo after some hesitation. David stares at him] 

• Geraldine Granger : Oh hi, boys. What can I do for you?

  Owen Newitt : Er, it's about the party. We know how much you love chocolate, so we've decided to make you a great big chocolate feature.

  Geraldine Granger : Ooh, how exciting!

  Owen Newitt : Here's a rough drawing of it.

  Geraldine Granger : Right. OK. It's a chocolate baby Jesus.

  Jim Trott : Yes. Life size. We'd just like to know if you'd like some marzipan on Him as well.

  Geraldine Granger : You want me to *eat* baby Jesus?

  Owen Newitt : Yes, why not? We eat Him every Sunday, in wafer form.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, yes. But as you're eating Him, you're supposed to be thinking "Oh, He died for our sins", not "Mmm, that's delicious and I'm loving that praline centre."

• David Horton : Gentlemen, I've called you here early to deal with a rather important matter. It transpires that our vicar is... well, gay. I know what an old fashioned and traditional village we are, and I think I can guess your reaction.

  Jim Trott : Good old vicar!

  Owen Newitt : Best news I've had since they made having sex with animals legal again.

  Hugo Horton : They haven't.

  Owen Newitt : Really? Oh. That's *not* good.

  David Horton : So... wait a minute. Am I to understand that no one is the slightest bit concerned?

  Jim Trott : No no no no. We've always had lesbians in this village. Mrs Cropley was a lesbian. Before she retired.

  David Horton : Was she?

  Owen Newitt : No, Jim. She was a librarian.

• David Horton : Here she comes. Don't say a word, please - she doesn't know that we know.

  [Geraldine enters] 

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, sorry I'm late. Hope you haven't gone past item 2. There's a couple of arts grants I want to support.

  [Sits down] 

  Geraldine Granger : So where have you got to so far?

  [Notices everyone staring at her] 

  Geraldine Granger : Sorry? Have I interrupted the Parish Council annual mindless staring competition?

  David Horton : Erm... no. Well... we'll go onto item 2 then.

  Geraldine Granger : Ah, great. Well, there's a couple of young women in the village who'd like £100 to start a drama club.

  David Horton : Oh, seems fair to me. A lesbian drama club'll be an interesting development. All those in favour?

  [David and the Council all raise their hands] 

  Geraldine Granger : Er... I'm not quite sure they *are* lesbians actually, David.

  David Horton : Oh, aren't they?

  Geraldine Granger : No. Just women.

  David Horton : Oh, right.

  Geraldine Granger : Right.

  Owen Newitt : And they'll do plays about lesbians?

  Geraldine Granger : Well, they might. I-I don't know. Anyway, the other one is the local women's institute. They want to do a charity calendar that I'm very keen to support.

  David Horton : Will all the women be topless or just some of them?

  Geraldine Granger : No, it's... photos of the church.

  David Horton : With the women topless inside of it?

  Owen Newitt : And you taking the photos?

  Geraldine Granger : No, none of the women are going to be topless.

  David Horton : So why do you want to give them a grant?

  Geraldine Granger : OK, I think I smell a theme developing here. Lesbians, topless women... Hugo, has your wife been gossiping at all?

  Hugo Horton : Well, I-I don't know how you could possibly... yes, yes she has.

• Geraldine Granger : I like the idea of the party, so let's give that a big fat 'Yes'.

  Owen Newitt : Well, that's something to be getting on with.

  Hugo Horton : Well, we could have it in our house. Well... *my* house it is now! And father, you could crack open some of that secret collection of fabulously expensive champagne you've been holding back for a special occasion!

  David Horton : Yes, I was keeping it for Alice's funeral but she's looking depressingly healthy!

• Geraldine Granger : I'm sorry guys, but he is the son of God. I can't just bite big chunks out of him.

  Owen Newitt : Well, not even a toe?

• Jim Trott : It's about Frank. He says he wants the party to be the best you've ever had and to be an evening of non-stop laughter and fun.

  Geraldine Granger : Ah, splendid.

  Jim Trott : So he's decided not to come.

  Geraldine Granger : Aww.

  Owen Newitt : Yes, he said he didn't want to spoil things because he's sooooo dull.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, Lord, poor man. Is that all he said? Surely he said more than that.

  Jim Trott : Well, yes he did, but we dozed off.

• Geraldine Granger : Oh, yes I admit it does look delicious, but no, I mustn't.

  Jim Trott : Oh, no-no-no-no-no-not to worry. We'll move on to plan B.

  Geraldine Granger : Right. What's plan B?

  Jim Trott : Call him baby Judas... and then eat the little bastard in one sitting.

  Geraldine Granger : Um, no, no.

  Owen Newitt : Well, then it's on to plan C, which has to be a surprise.

  Jim Trott : Why?

  Owen Newitt : Because we haven't thought of it yet.