The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Merry Christmas (2004)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Geraldine Granger : [to her picture of Jesus]  You know when you did that thing with the turning water into wine? Well, if you could just do the opposite with the three bottles I've just drunk, that would be great.

• Alice Horton : I am *terribly* excited to hear about you celebrating your 10th birthday.

  Geraldine Granger : No, it's my 10th anniversary as vicar.

  Alice Horton : Oh, right! Do you know, I thought Hugo had got it wrong. I kept saying, you know, if she's only 10 years old, how come she's got breasts the size of St Paul's Cathedral?

• [Alice has just seen Rachel Hunter come down the vicarage stairs in her underwear] 

  Alice Horton : I know what you said before, but seriously, I don't believe it! You're having it away with Rachel Hunter and she can't even be bothered to get your name right!

  Geraldine Granger : Do shut up, Alice! You've got the wrong end of a very, very long stick.

  Alice Horton : So what is she doing upstairs in her bra and panties? If you can call them that!

  Geraldine Granger : So I take it you're not a thong girl, then?

  Alice Horton : No, I am *not*! The only 'thong' I'm interested in is a thweet little thong thung by a girl who can't say her Ss.

• Geraldine Granger : [Making the Sign of the Cross, inadvertently indicating her breasts and crotch in the process]  Milk, milk, lemonade.

• Geraldine Granger : Oh hi, boys. What can I do for you?

  Owen Newitt : Er, it's about the party. We know how much you love chocolate, so we've decided to make you a great big chocolate feature.

  Geraldine Granger : Ooh, how exciting!

  Owen Newitt : Here's a rough drawing of it.

  Geraldine Granger : Right. OK. It's a chocolate baby Jesus.

  Jim Trott : Yes. Life size. We'd just like to know if you'd like some marzipan on Him as well.

  Geraldine Granger : You want me to *eat* baby Jesus?

  Owen Newitt : Yes, why not? We eat Him every Sunday, in wafer form.

  Geraldine Granger : Well, yes. But as you're eating Him, you're supposed to be thinking "Oh, He died for our sins", not "Mmm, that's delicious and I'm loving that praline centre."

• Geraldine Granger : Let me reassure you Alice that there is nothing going on between Miss Hunter and myself.

  Alice Horton : What do you think I am? Stupid?

  Geraldine Granger : Please don't make me answer that question!

  Alice Horton : Oh, whatever. I won't disturb you - you woman of mystery! That is what I love about you. You can never quite get to the bottom of Geraldine Granger. But I bet Rachel's going to try!

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, get out! Go on!

• [Alice and Geraldine have been discussing who they would like to get with if they were gay] 

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, I'm sorry, it's just getting too late now, Alice. Come on, let's go to bed.

  Alice Horton : I beg your pardon?

  Geraldine Granger : No. No no no no, *separate* beds, Alice!

• David Horton : Here she comes. Don't say a word, please - she doesn't know that we know.

  [Geraldine enters] 

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, sorry I'm late. Hope you haven't gone past item 2. There's a couple of arts grants I want to support.

  [Sits down] 

  Geraldine Granger : So where have you got to so far?

  [Notices everyone staring at her] 

  Geraldine Granger : Sorry? Have I interrupted the Parish Council annual mindless staring competition?

  David Horton : Erm... no. Well... we'll go onto item 2 then.

  Geraldine Granger : Ah, great. Well, there's a couple of young women in the village who'd like £100 to start a drama club.

  David Horton : Oh, seems fair to me. A lesbian drama club'll be an interesting development. All those in favour?

  [David and the Council all raise their hands] 

  Geraldine Granger : Er... I'm not quite sure they *are* lesbians actually, David.

  David Horton : Oh, aren't they?

  Geraldine Granger : No. Just women.

  David Horton : Oh, right.

  Geraldine Granger : Right.

  Owen Newitt : And they'll do plays about lesbians?

  Geraldine Granger : Well, they might. I-I don't know. Anyway, the other one is the local women's institute. They want to do a charity calendar that I'm very keen to support.

  David Horton : Will all the women be topless or just some of them?

  Geraldine Granger : No, it's... photos of the church.

  David Horton : With the women topless inside of it?

  Owen Newitt : And you taking the photos?

  Geraldine Granger : No, none of the women are going to be topless.

  David Horton : So why do you want to give them a grant?

  Geraldine Granger : OK, I think I smell a theme developing here. Lesbians, topless women... Hugo, has your wife been gossiping at all?

  Hugo Horton : Well, I-I don't know how you could possibly... yes, yes she has.

• Geraldine Granger : [Holding auditions to write a new Christmas carol]  Can i just say before you start that all my hopes for this competition, indeed all my hopes that after ten years there is one shred of talent and sanity left in this village, are resting entirely upon you?

  Jim Trott : No no no no no worries. I was trying to work out which bit of the Nativity story was never done.

  Geraldine Granger : Good.

  Jim Trott : Then I realised: the actual birth.

  Geraldine Granger : Bad.

  [sighs] 

  Geraldine Granger : And so it goes?

  Jim Trott : [Reading from a piece of corrugated cardboard]  "Praise the Lord, He's coming down the birth canal; Here He comes, whee-ee-ee-ee! Look, the Madonna's fully dilated; She shall not need an episiotomy."

  [Geraldine's face falls onto the table in despair] 

  Alice Horton : I rather like that.

• Geraldine Granger : I like the idea of the party, so let's give that a big fat 'Yes'.

  Owen Newitt : Well, that's something to be getting on with.

  Hugo Horton : Well, we could have it in our house. Well... *my* house it is now! And father, you could crack open some of that secret collection of fabulously expensive champagne you've been holding back for a special occasion!

  David Horton : Yes, I was keeping it for Alice's funeral but she's looking depressingly healthy!

• Geraldine Granger : Can I say as well that I really love the bras and knickers that you model.

  Rachel Hunter : Oh, thank you.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, in fact, last time I was in London, I went to Selfridges and bought loads of the knickers.

  Rachel Hunter : Oh, great!

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah. They didn't fit. In fact, you should tell them to make them in industrial sizes, please. Still, they weren't wasted. I use them for flossing.

• Geraldine Granger : I'm sorry guys, but he is the son of God. I can't just bite big chunks out of him.

  Owen Newitt : Well, not even a toe?

• Geraldine Granger : It's been quite a year, hasn't it?

  Alice Horton : Yeah, it has.

  Geraldine Granger : Any regrets?

  Alice Horton : Uh, going on "Wife Swap", I suppose.

  Geraldine Granger : You think that was a mistake?

  Alice Horton : Yeah. David was very upset at the end.

  Geraldine Granger : When you came back?

  Alice Horton : That's right.

• Jim Trott : It's about Frank. He says he wants the party to be the best you've ever had and to be an evening of non-stop laughter and fun.

  Geraldine Granger : Ah, splendid.

  Jim Trott : So he's decided not to come.

  Geraldine Granger : Aww.

  Owen Newitt : Yes, he said he didn't want to spoil things because he's sooooo dull.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, Lord, poor man. Is that all he said? Surely he said more than that.

  Jim Trott : Well, yes he did, but we dozed off.

• Geraldine Granger : Oh, yes I admit it does look delicious, but no, I mustn't.

  Jim Trott : Oh, no-no-no-no-no-not to worry. We'll move on to plan B.

  Geraldine Granger : Right. What's plan B?

  Jim Trott : Call him baby Judas... and then eat the little bastard in one sitting.

  Geraldine Granger : Um, no, no.

  Owen Newitt : Well, then it's on to plan C, which has to be a surprise.

  Jim Trott : Why?

  Owen Newitt : Because we haven't thought of it yet.

• Geraldine Granger : On this day, many, many, many years ago, a child was born. And his name was... Oh, I know this. It's in that, um, in that book, isn't it?

  Alice Horton : J...

  Geraldine Granger : Jeremy. No, that's not right, is it?

  Alice Horton : Jesus.

  Geraldine Granger : Jesus. That's not right either. Anyway, doesn't matter. What's in a name? The long and short of it is that he was a very, very nice guy, apparently.

  [laughs loudly] 

  Geraldine Granger : Two important things to remember about Him. One - he loved all of us, and he had a nice fluffy beard. And 3... 2... 1... Thunderbirds are Go!

• David Horton : Geraldine this is the Archbishop of Canterbury, Archbishop, this id Geraldine, our vicar. She's not usually covered in chocolate.

  Archbishop of Canterbury : Merry Christmas, my child.

  Geraldine Granger : Thank you, your grace. Do feel free to lick me if you so desire.

• Geraldine Granger : You'd better go away, because I've had a teeny bit too much to drink. And so I'm going to have a little sleep now, so that i don't have a hangover for tomorrow's very important service.

  Alice Horton : And what about tonight's service?

  Geraldine Granger : What?

  Alice Horton : Midnight mass starts in... 9 minutes. Biggest service of the year.

  Geraldine Granger : Ah, see, the thing is, I've completely forgotten about that.