The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Merry Christmas (2004)

James Fleet: Hugo Horton

Quotes 

• [Alice has redecorated David's living room in lurid pink and taken down his George Stubbs painting of a horse. Hugo hands him a glass of whisky to help him recover from the shock] 

  David Horton : Right. Break the news gently. What else has been going on?

  Hugo Horton : Oh, nothing much.

  David Horton : So no more shocks and surprises?

  Hugo Horton : None whatsoever.

  David Horton : Good.

  Alice Horton : Apart from the fact that it turns out our vicar's gay.

  David Horton : I beg your pardon?

  Alice Horton : Yeah, she tried to deny it, but you'd have to be an idiot not to add two and two together and get... erm...

  [Starts counting on her fingers] 

  David Horton : [Exasperated]  Four.

  Alice Horton : [Holding up her fingers]  Four. That's right.

• David Horton : Gentlemen, I've called you here early to deal with a rather important matter. It transpires that our vicar is... well, gay. I know what an old fashioned and traditional village we are, and I think I can guess your reaction.

  Jim Trott : Good old vicar!

  Owen Newitt : Best news I've had since they made having sex with animals legal again.

  Hugo Horton : They haven't.

  Owen Newitt : Really? Oh. That's *not* good.

  David Horton : So... wait a minute. Am I to understand that no one is the slightest bit concerned?

  Jim Trott : No no no no. We've always had lesbians in this village. Mrs Cropley was a lesbian. Before she retired.

  David Horton : Was she?

  Owen Newitt : No, Jim. She was a librarian.

• David Horton : Here she comes. Don't say a word, please - she doesn't know that we know.

  [Geraldine enters] 

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, sorry I'm late. Hope you haven't gone past item 2. There's a couple of arts grants I want to support.

  [Sits down] 

  Geraldine Granger : So where have you got to so far?

  [Notices everyone staring at her] 

  Geraldine Granger : Sorry? Have I interrupted the Parish Council annual mindless staring competition?

  David Horton : Erm... no. Well... we'll go onto item 2 then.

  Geraldine Granger : Ah, great. Well, there's a couple of young women in the village who'd like £100 to start a drama club.

  David Horton : Oh, seems fair to me. A lesbian drama club'll be an interesting development. All those in favour?

  [David and the Council all raise their hands] 

  Geraldine Granger : Er... I'm not quite sure they *are* lesbians actually, David.

  David Horton : Oh, aren't they?

  Geraldine Granger : No. Just women.

  David Horton : Oh, right.

  Geraldine Granger : Right.

  Owen Newitt : And they'll do plays about lesbians?

  Geraldine Granger : Well, they might. I-I don't know. Anyway, the other one is the local women's institute. They want to do a charity calendar that I'm very keen to support.

  David Horton : Will all the women be topless or just some of them?

  Geraldine Granger : No, it's... photos of the church.

  David Horton : With the women topless inside of it?

  Owen Newitt : And you taking the photos?

  Geraldine Granger : No, none of the women are going to be topless.

  David Horton : So why do you want to give them a grant?

  Geraldine Granger : OK, I think I smell a theme developing here. Lesbians, topless women... Hugo, has your wife been gossiping at all?

  Hugo Horton : Well, I-I don't know how you could possibly... yes, yes she has.

• Geraldine Granger : I like the idea of the party, so let's give that a big fat 'Yes'.

  Owen Newitt : Well, that's something to be getting on with.

  Hugo Horton : Well, we could have it in our house. Well... *my* house it is now! And father, you could crack open some of that secret collection of fabulously expensive champagne you've been holding back for a special occasion!

  David Horton : Yes, I was keeping it for Alice's funeral but she's looking depressingly healthy!