The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Merry Christmas (2004)

Emma Chambers: Alice Horton

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alice Horton : And now, for the highlight of the service, the new Dibley carol form Jim Trott.

  choir : Praise the Lord/ He's coming down the birth canal./ Here he comes now./ Wheeeeeheeeeeheeeee, Wheeheehee/ Look, the Madonna is fully dilated./ She shall not need, she shall not need/ An episiotomy. Eeeeeeheeeeeheeee, Eeeheehee/ Praise, praise, praise the Lord/ Clean up the mess and cut the cord./ Cut, cut the cord.

• Alice Horton : I am *terribly* excited to hear about you celebrating your 10th birthday.

  Geraldine Granger : No, it's my 10th anniversary as vicar.

  Alice Horton : Oh, right! Do you know, I thought Hugo had got it wrong. I kept saying, you know, if she's only 10 years old, how come she's got breasts the size of St Paul's Cathedral?

• [Alice has just seen Rachel Hunter come down the vicarage stairs in her underwear] 

  Alice Horton : I know what you said before, but seriously, I don't believe it! You're having it away with Rachel Hunter and she can't even be bothered to get your name right!

  Geraldine Granger : Do shut up, Alice! You've got the wrong end of a very, very long stick.

  Alice Horton : So what is she doing upstairs in her bra and panties? If you can call them that!

  Geraldine Granger : So I take it you're not a thong girl, then?

  Alice Horton : No, I am *not*! The only 'thong' I'm interested in is a thweet little thong thung by a girl who can't say her Ss.

• [Alice has redecorated David's living room in lurid pink and taken down his George Stubbs painting of a horse. Hugo hands him a glass of whisky to help him recover from the shock] 

  David Horton : Right. Break the news gently. What else has been going on?

  Hugo Horton : Oh, nothing much.

  David Horton : So no more shocks and surprises?

  Hugo Horton : None whatsoever.

  David Horton : Good.

  Alice Horton : Apart from the fact that it turns out our vicar's gay.

  David Horton : I beg your pardon?

  Alice Horton : Yeah, she tried to deny it, but you'd have to be an idiot not to add two and two together and get... erm...

  [Starts counting on her fingers] 

  David Horton : [Exasperated]  Four.

  Alice Horton : [Holding up her fingers]  Four. That's right.

• Geraldine Granger : Let me reassure you Alice that there is nothing going on between Miss Hunter and myself.

  Alice Horton : What do you think I am? Stupid?

  Geraldine Granger : Please don't make me answer that question!

  Alice Horton : Oh, whatever. I won't disturb you - you woman of mystery! That is what I love about you. You can never quite get to the bottom of Geraldine Granger. But I bet Rachel's going to try!

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, get out! Go on!

• [Alice and Geraldine have been discussing who they would like to get with if they were gay] 

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, I'm sorry, it's just getting too late now, Alice. Come on, let's go to bed.

  Alice Horton : I beg your pardon?

  Geraldine Granger : No. No no no no, *separate* beds, Alice!

• Geraldine Granger : [Holding auditions to write a new Christmas carol]  Can i just say before you start that all my hopes for this competition, indeed all my hopes that after ten years there is one shred of talent and sanity left in this village, are resting entirely upon you?

  Jim Trott : No no no no no worries. I was trying to work out which bit of the Nativity story was never done.

  Geraldine Granger : Good.

  Jim Trott : Then I realised: the actual birth.

  Geraldine Granger : Bad.

  [sighs] 

  Geraldine Granger : And so it goes?

  Jim Trott : [Reading from a piece of corrugated cardboard]  "Praise the Lord, He's coming down the birth canal; Here He comes, whee-ee-ee-ee! Look, the Madonna's fully dilated; She shall not need an episiotomy."

  [Geraldine's face falls onto the table in despair] 

  Alice Horton : I rather like that.

• Alice Horton : Oh, I can hardly wait for Christmas. In fact, last year I couldn't wait, and we eventually had it on October the 23rd.

• Geraldine Granger : It's been quite a year, hasn't it?

  Alice Horton : Yeah, it has.

  Geraldine Granger : Any regrets?

  Alice Horton : Uh, going on "Wife Swap", I suppose.

  Geraldine Granger : You think that was a mistake?

  Alice Horton : Yeah. David was very upset at the end.

  Geraldine Granger : When you came back?

  Alice Horton : That's right.

• Geraldine Granger : On this day, many, many, many years ago, a child was born. And his name was... Oh, I know this. It's in that, um, in that book, isn't it?

  Alice Horton : J...

  Geraldine Granger : Jeremy. No, that's not right, is it?

  Alice Horton : Jesus.

  Geraldine Granger : Jesus. That's not right either. Anyway, doesn't matter. What's in a name? The long and short of it is that he was a very, very nice guy, apparently.

  [laughs loudly] 

  Geraldine Granger : Two important things to remember about Him. One - he loved all of us, and he had a nice fluffy beard. And 3... 2... 1... Thunderbirds are Go!

• Geraldine Granger : You'd better go away, because I've had a teeny bit too much to drink. And so I'm going to have a little sleep now, so that i don't have a hangover for tomorrow's very important service.

  Alice Horton : And what about tonight's service?

  Geraldine Granger : What?

  Alice Horton : Midnight mass starts in... 9 minutes. Biggest service of the year.

  Geraldine Granger : Ah, see, the thing is, I've completely forgotten about that.