- [Alice and Hugo arrive at the vicarage, the latter wearing a kilt]
- Alice Horton: Sorry the dating was a total disaster. So we've come up with an alternative present.
- Geraldine Granger: What, we're going to dance reels, are we?
- [laughs]
- Hugo Horton: [Chuckles] No.
- Alice Horton: No. We thought you might like a baby. And since you can't get a man to give you one, we thought maybe Hugo could help you out.
- [Geraldine gapes]
- Alice Horton: he's already given me eight children.
- Hugo Horton: Ten.
- Alice Horton: Ten children. So I can guarantee he is top quality stuff.
- Geraldine Granger: [Uncertainly] Right.
- Alice Horton: Although obviously, there is nothing sexual about it. Hugo doesn't find you remotely attractive.
- Geraldine Granger: Thanks, that's... nice to know.
- Alice Horton: Any ideas on what she might like?
- Owen Newitt: Mel Gibson.
- Alice Horton: Oh.
- David Horton: You think you can buy Mel Gibson?
- Jim Trott: No no no no, but you might be able to rent him for an hour or two.
- Frank Pickle: Of course, he's very keen on the church. He made that film about Jesus.
- Hugo Horton: Oh, 'Passion of the Christ'.
- Owen Newitt: That film made me very angry.
- Hugo Horton: Me too.
- Owen Newitt: An 18-certificate film with the word, "Passion" in the title, and not one scene of gratuitous sex.
- Geraldine Granger: Owen.
- Owen Newitt: Your royal babeness.
- Geraldine Granger: What in hell's hell are you doing here?
- Owen Newitt: It sounded like my cup of tea. Lots of desperate women looking for love in a confined area.
- Geraldine Granger: Actually, think about that, David. That's 30 times the population of this village every day. Everyone in this village, dead.
- David Horton: You're not telling me that's a bad thing?
- Geraldine Granger: Point taken, but...
- David Horton: Owen dead, Jim dead, my daughter-in-law tragically struck down.
- Suzie: It's the dog collar. Are you sure it's a good idea?
- Geraldine Granger: Sorry?
- Suzie: It's just you and I know that under that collar is a neck that wants to be kissed, then sucked 'till there's a blazing hickey the size of Middlesex. But your normal chap might see it as a bit of a stop sign.
- Geraldine Granger: Jim!
- Jim Trott: Yes.
- Geraldine Granger: What the hell are you doing here?
- Jim Trott: Well, I thought it sounded rather fun. It certainly has been so far. That other girl, she's a bit tasty.
- Geraldine Granger: Well, yes, she's a bit all blonde and boobs and no brains though, don't you think? I mean, there are lots of men who don't go for that sort of shallow stuff.
- Jim Trott: No no no, there aren't.