The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)
Autumn (1999)
Emma Chambers: Alice Horton
Photos
Quotes
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Geraldine : You know, I've been thinking. I don't think it is such a mortal sin these days, for an umarried Vicar to have sex. You know, as long as she doesn't rub her parishioner's noses in it.
Alice : Rub her parishioner's noses in what?
Geraldine : In the sex.
Alice : I'm starting to feel a bit sick...
Geraldine : Yeah, yeah, forget it, forget it.
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Alice : I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.
Geraldine : Not sure I'm altogether familiar with this particular pregnancy test.
Alice : Oh yes, it's the way we've always done it in Dibley. You get a hamster, and you wee on it. And if it turns blue, you're pregnant.
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Alice : I just hope Hugo doesn't go off me now.
Geraldine : Why would he go off you, you stupid little idiot?
Alice : I don't know, I might lose my female sexual allure. I'm already putting on weight. I've put on four pounds in the last month, that's a pound a week. If I go on at this rate by the time I'm fifty I'll weigh 82 stone which is more than a walrus, and I don't want to look like a walrus.
Geraldine : Alice, you haven't been feeling sick at all, have you?
Alice : Yeah, every single morning.
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[showing photos from their honeymoon to Geraldine]
Alice : This is a nice woman we met on the plane. She was a bit tired when we got to Turkey so Hugo was ever so nice and carried her case through customs.
Geraldine : Right, I think I can anticipate the next picture.
Alice : That's customs opening the suitcase.
Geraldine : Wow! How much cocaine is that, Hugo?
Hugo : I'm told a street value of £82 million.
Alice : Still, they let him go the minute they realized he was innocent.
Geraldine : Which was?
Alice : Er... 14 months later.
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[Having been ditched by Simon, Geraldine is sitting on the floor of her kitchen in her pyjamas, miserably eating ice cream. Alice is by her side]
Alice : How are you?
Geraldine : I think I've eaten a little bit too much ice cream.
Alice : Oh. How much?
[Geraldine sighs. Alice notices that the giant freezer is now empty except for one very small tub]
Alice : Oh, right!
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Owen Newitt : She's already missed one set of Sunday services and it's important she doesn't miss another.
Alice : Can I just say, um, that I thought Mr. Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.
Hugo : Yes, bravo. How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing.
Owen Newitt : As I say, it's absolutely *vital* that she doesn't miss another Sunday. I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.
Jim : Don't worry Frank, they were going to die anyway. And that fellow who stood up and said "if this moron doesn't shut up soon I'm going to kill myself," and then five minutes later shot himself in the head... well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time...
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Geraldine : [On hearing that Alice has been sick every morning] Well, in that case, young lady, I think I've got some very important news for you.
Alice : I've qualified for the Vomit Olympics?
Geraldine : No, no, no! The truth is, my dearest darlingest little verger, I think you might be pregnant!
[Alice gasps]
Alice : But no, no, no, that can't be right.
Geraldine : You mean you haven't... actually...?
Alice : [Coyly] No, no - we've certainly played the odd round of Hide the Purple Parsnip!
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Alice : Just think, once you're married, you can go to bed together too, which is absolutely scrummy.
Geraldine : So I'm told.
Alice : Though it isn't scrummy if you're not married, of course, 'cause then you go to hell and all your bits drop off.
Geraldine : Well, not necessarily.
Alice : You know all that. You know all about eternal damnation and pneumatic drills in your brain tissue if you so much as look upon a man with lust. Especially as a vicar. God would probably have to strangle you with his bare hands.
