The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Animals (1994)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Alice : You know that stuff that they're selling now at the local shop?

  Geraldine Granger : Which stuff?

  Alice : I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, yeah.

  Alice : Well, you know, I can't believe it's not butter.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, well, I believe that is the idea, yeah.

  Alice : Then yesterday I went to Kirkenden and I bought this other stuff, like a sort of home brand, you know.

  Geraldine Granger : Yes?

  Alice : And, you know, I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

  Geraldine Granger : Mmmm?

  [pause] 

  Geraldine Granger : I'm losing you now.

  Alice : Oh, right. Well, you know I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, yeah, yeah, you think it is butter.

  Alice : No, no. I mean, you know the stuff that I can't believe is not butter is called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

  Geraldine Granger : Probably, yeah, yeah.

  Alice : Well, I can't believe the stuff that is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And I can't believe that both I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff that I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are both, in fact, not butter. And I believe... they both might be butter... in a cunning disguise. And, in fact, there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah. You see, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by the whole thing.

• [post credit] 

  Geraldine Granger : I haven't any more religious jokes, but I suppose I have got a couple of animal ones.

  Alice : Oh, fire off.

  Geraldine Granger : Why did the lobster blush?

  Alice : Why?

  Geraldine Granger : Because the sea weed.

  Alice : Because the sea weed what?

  Geraldine Granger : Because the sea *weed*.

  Alice : Did what?

  Geraldine Granger : No, no, listen. The lobster was in the sea, right?

  Alice : Yes.

  Geraldine Granger : And the sea weed. *Weed*.

  Alice : Oh.

  [covers her mouth with her hands] 

  Alice : Oh dear, oh dear.

  Geraldine Granger : What?

  Alice : That is the rudest thing I have ever heard.

• Geraldine Granger : I could soon be paddleless up a very famous creek, the name of which rhymes with 'Britt'.

• Geraldine Granger : [a young boy has lost his pet, eaten by another pet, and the family asks the vicar to perform a funeral]  Dear Lord, You have seen fit to take Karl from us. We commend his soul to You, and we pray that You welcome him into the Kingdom of Heaven. It's hard to understand exactly why Felix felt it necessary to eat Karl, especially since Felix had just devoured an entire tin of Whiskas.

  George : [the vicar nods to George, holding his tiny box]  In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Oily Ghost. Amen.

• Geraldine Granger : It's traditional at this point to pray for the Royal Family. But instead I want pray for the Royal Family's animals. The Queen's corgis, Princess Anne's horses. And anything that gets sat on by the Duchess of York.

• Geraldine Granger : Last time I was this depressed I ate 562 Crunchies in one night. And that was fine, until I washed them down with that tin of treacle. Overdosed on sugar. Woke up in a disgusting position on the sofa afterwards.

• Geraldine Granger : I haven't been so depressed since David Bowie married a stick insect.

• Alice : I remember when my budgie, Carrot, first died. I was absolutely heartbroken. He was the only animal I had not been allergic to,

  Geraldine Granger : When he first died?

  Alice : That's right, 'cause he died and then two days later, he came back to life again.

  Geraldine Granger : Yes.

  Alice : A bit like Jesus, but with feathers. Then he died twice the next year. Both times came back to life again.

  Geraldine Granger : You're sure he absolutely did die?

  Alice : Oh yeah. Fell off his perch and everything. We buried him.

  Geraldine Granger : Just out of interest, what did he look like when he came back to life?

  Alice : Oh, well, he always looked a bit different, but, I mean, what would you expect, because after all, he had died.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah. You don't think, Alice, that perhaps your affectionate but technically insane mother just bought you a new budgie each time and called it Carrot, so that you wouldn't be too sad?

  Alice : What?... Poor Carrot actually did die?

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah.

  Alice : And little Carrot also died too?

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah.

  Alice : And Carrot?