- Jennie Malloy: Well, it's just a pimple. And she's a mature young lady. A little blemish isn't going to turn her head around.
- [Tiffany enters with her hair swept over her face from behind, her visage completely covered]
- Ryan Malloy: Look! It's Cousin It!
- Tiffany Malloy: [from behind thick curtain of hair] Don't look at me! And spare me your false pity! I want real pity, I'm deformed!
- Jennie Malloy: [soothing] Oh, honey, let me have a look.
- [brushes away hair]
- Jennie Malloy: Oh, why, you can hardly see it. Jack, come tell her how tiny it is.
- Jack Malloy: [engrossed in newspaper, hadn't been listening, only heard last bit] Hey, I thought we agreed to lay off those jokes.
- Jennie Malloy: [sighs] The pimple, Jack.
- Jack Malloy: Yeah, the pimple. Very funny.
- Jennie Malloy: [to get her mind off the zit] Focus on the positive. Do something that makes you happy.
- Tiffany Malloy: Well, I know what makes me happy. I'll go weigh myself.
- [heads off to bathroom]
- Jennie Malloy: [Tiffany screams blue murder from the bathroom] Honey, what's the matter?
- Tiffany Malloy: [comes rushing in, panicking] Oh my God, oh my God! I gained ten pounds!
- [sobs]
- Jennie Malloy: [looking her daughter's slim figure up and down] Where?
- Tiffany Malloy: [pointing to the zit] Well, this thing weighs at least six, but that still means I gained four pounds.
- [as the awful reality sinks in:]
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh my God! I'm a pimply, fat girl!
- Ryan Malloy: [gleefully] Maybe you're pregnant.
- Tiffany Malloy: [huffily] I happen to be a virgin.
- Ryan Malloy: There's other ways to get pregnant, you know. I mean, you sit on a toilet seat, don't you?
- Tiffany Malloy: No, I don't! I hover.
- Ross Malloy: [still in his Woody Harrelson Natural Born Killers phase, shaven head, leather jacket] I think we'll all feel better when I get a gun.
- Jennie Malloy: [surveying her youngest child] Maybe we should talk to him.
- Tiffany Malloy: Who cares about him? I have a zit!
- [still in shock]
- Tiffany Malloy: I can't believe it! I built my entire life around my physical beauty, I thought it would last forever, you know, till I was, like, twenty-five.
- [said with distaste]
- Tiffany Malloy: Ooh what a fool I was. Well, now it's gone, And there's only one thing left for me to do. I'm going to have to develop a personality.
- Barry: [at cafeteria table] Who needs a personality? Amber doesn't have one.
- Amber Moss: I hide it with the proper accessories. And you're depressing me. So let's talk about Italian shoes and,
- [fondly:]
- Amber Moss: ugh, Chanel scarves.
- Tiffany Malloy: Guys, guys, guys, people with real personalities do not need to talk about those superficial trappings. Now, maybe I should take the energy I use for lining my lips and channel it into curing the homeless.
- Amber Moss: What's wrong with the homeless?
- Tiffany Malloy: [gasps] I don't even know that!
- [tries pulling herself together]
- Tiffany Malloy: Okay, let's all talk about things that really matter, like that Bosnia deal.
- Amber Moss: [as a couple walks by] Those are great shoes! I have to find out where Cindy got them!
- [scampers off]
- Barry: [gay] That's a great guy! I have to find out where Cindy got him!
- [scampers off]
- Tiffany Malloy: [once the scale has been fixed] I'm finally back under what science considers healthy!
- Ryan Malloy: [in cafeteria, approaches pretty blonde] You dropped your sweater. Allow me, my lady.
- [ever the gallant hero, stoops to pick up her sweater, then spills his lunch all over it, and then tries wiping up this whole pigsty mess with the young lady's sweater]
- Ryan Malloy: Don't worry, I'm okay.
- [as she looks on aghast:]
- Ryan Malloy: It's - it's really no problem, I'll just pop this in the washer, Miss -?
- Angora: It's cashmere!
- Ryan Malloy: Ah! You're Indian. Do you... speak our language?
- Angora: You're a complete moron!
- Ryan Malloy: Very good!
- Angora: Stay away from me, or I'll call the cops!
- Ryan Malloy: All right, but don't tell them you're a foreigner, or they'll beat the hell out of you!