- Jennie Malloy: Well, you chased my other child away, so you must pay the price. How was school, honey?
- Tiffany Malloy: Terrible. We had to do this report on Great Women of History, so I figured that rather than the expected "yes, Madame Curie was great, blah-blah-blah" dull the report, I would take the satirical approach and do a delightful devil-may-care report on Ann-Margret. I even did a little go-go dance, including shaking my hair all around, ah, the class screamed...
- [demonstrates, the studio audience going wild]
- Tiffany Malloy: Just like that.
- [sits down next to Mom on the couch]
- Tiffany Malloy: You know, I thought I deserved an A+, but I only got an A.
- Jennie Malloy: Do I look like I care?
- Tiffany Malloy: No.
- Jennie Malloy: [smirking] Well, then I guess I'm as good an actress as your idol Ann-Margret.
- Tiffany Malloy: Sable got an A+. She did Golda Meir, Nobel Peace Prize, big deal, I'd like to see her fall off a stage in Vegas and still get up and finish the show.
- [but Jennie is not a receptive audience]
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, you're no good at this, I need my Daddy to come home and start adoring me.
- Jennie Malloy: Oh, you're the girl that's been causing Tiffany all this unhappiness. Welcome!
- Sable O'Brien: [ingratiating herself] Wait, you must be Tiffany's older but extremely youthful sister.
- Jennie Malloy: [exclamation of joy] Now, this is a daughter!
- Jennie Malloy: So, Sable, I understand your father's in jail. Oh, you poor baby.
- [strokes her hair]
- Jennie Malloy: Tell me all about it.
- Sable O'Brien: My Daddy embezzled some poor old people's retirement money. Big crime! Like they were gonna live to spend it!
- [smirks]
- Tiffany Malloy: Daddy, I need to speak to you privately please.
- Jack Malloy: [as he follows her, muttering:] Why does everybody always want to speak to me privately when I'm eating or drinking or sleeping, why can't they just call me at work when I'm doing nothing?
- [sits down next to Tiffany on couch]
- Tiffany Malloy: Daddy, I want her out of here.
- Jack Malloy: I want her out of here too, she's been killing me for twenty years.
- Tiffany Malloy: No, Daddy, I'm talking about Sable.
- Jack Malloy: Oh.
- Ryan Malloy: Hey, Dad! Dad! Wait! Wait! Can I talk to you a minute?
- Jack Malloy: No, I'm busy. I've got to do something for Tiffany.
- Ryan Malloy: Well, Dad, I'm just as important as Tiffany.
- [Jack bursts out laughing at this ridiculous concept]
- Jack Malloy: [muttering to himself, arriving at apartment] Man, I hope this old bat doesn't have a temper. Yeah, right, she's a woman, they never have tempers.
- [knocks]
- Jack Malloy: Not home, too bad. Well, I'll just stick this little note under her door.
- [bends down, door opens, he gazes upwards mesmerized over long bare legs, short black dress, ample cleavage, fixing on that]
- Morgana: [speaking down] Hello. Hello.
- [impatiently:]
- Morgana: Hello!
- Jack Malloy: [from kneeling position] Hello.
- Morgana: [instantly welcoming] I'm Morgana. Come on in.
- Jack Malloy: Uh, don't you wanna know who I am, or what I'm doing here?
- Morgana: [very sure of herself] Not really, but I'm sure we'll get around to it.
- Sable O'Brien: [on couch, next to Tiffany, but with their backs to each other] Ryan, would you hurry, I need a ride to the party!
- Ryan Malloy: [voice coming from upstairs] All right, I'm coming, I'm just sliding into my leopard briefs!
- [at this, both girls choke on their snacks]
- Sable O'Brien: [to Tiffany] If anyone calls for me, I'll be home late, okay?
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, so now I'm your answering machine, huh?
- [taunting her:]
- Tiffany Malloy: Press One if you got my number from a matchbook, press Two if you think you might have caught something from me, press Three for group rates.
- Sable O'Brien: You'd better start getting along with me. After all, we're practically sisters, what with your father getting so close to my mother.
- Tiffany Malloy: My Daddy wouldn't touch your mother. As a matter of fact, I don't really even think he touches my mother.
- Sable O'Brien: Men don't say no to my Mom, and my Mom doesn't say no to men.
- Ryan Malloy: You picking anyone up?
- Sable O'Brien: Yup, my date Michael.
- Ryan Malloy: Oh man, I hate that guy! I mean, he knows you're my girlfriend, but yet he still makes out with you in the back of the car. I mean, isn't that kind of a slap to me?
- [scoffs]
- Sable O'Brien: Just trying to make you jealous.
- Ryan Malloy: [too dumb to realize it's not the time to play cool] You got a ways to go, baby.
- [cracks his knuckles, guffaws]
- Sable O'Brien: [they leave, she waves at Tiffany] Bye... Sis.
- [Tiffany looks perturbed]
- Tiffany Malloy: Now, I want you to march over to Sable's house, and tell her mother that... that mothers and daughters need to spend time together.
- Jennie Malloy: [calling to her] Tiffany, would you like to help me cut the cake?
- Tiffany Malloy: [fake smile] I'll be right there.
- [annoyed, to Jack:]
- Tiffany Malloy: Uh, she's so needy.
- Jack Malloy: Mm.
- Tiffany Malloy: Daddy, if you don't do it, I'm just going to have to do this.
- [pouts]
- Jack Malloy: Oh no... not... not... not the pouty lip. And not the Bambi eyes.
- [Tiffany does both]
- Jack Malloy: All right, all right, I'll... I'll do it.
- Tiffany Malloy: [phone rings] Hello? No, no, Sable's not here right now.
- [mischievous:]
- Tiffany Malloy: Why, you must be her baby's father. Hello?
- [no-one at other side, bursts out laughing, shivering with delight]
- Mr. Floppy: Is this girl like you'd expect for Ryan?
- Jack Malloy: Oh no, she's a real knockout.
- Mr. Floppy: [with irony] Well, Jack, I trust your taste. You're the chick-meister.
- [dripping sarcasm:]
- Mr. Floppy: We've all seen the missus.
- Jack Malloy: I didn't want the woman! She scared the hell out of me! I mean, what if I was no good? I'd rather think I can than know I can't, you know what I mean?
- [Mr. Floppy nods]
- Jack Malloy: Imagine how hard it would be to have a fantasy if you know you stink. No, sir, I'd rather keep the lie alive.
- [dramatic gesture with balled fist:]
- Jack Malloy: Keep the lie alive!
- [smiles]
- Jack Malloy: Mr. Floppy, I'm hanging up my party jeans.
- Mr. Floppy: [last lines, reading fan mail] 'Where can I get a Mr. Pooch-Pants? He's the cutest, fluffiest doll I've ever seen, and in my opinion, would have made a better alter ego for Jack. Signed, Ellen S.' Wait a minute, I recognize this handwriting! Yeah, nice try, Pooch-Pants! I got this part fair and square, I didn't need to sleep with the producers. Face it, Poochie, the best bunny won! So get over it! See you in the sales bin!
- [taunting:]
- Mr. Floppy: Sucker!
- Jack Malloy: [re Sable] Hey, who's that? She seems like a very nice girl.
- Tiffany Malloy: I hate her.
- Jack Malloy: I hate her too.
- Mr. Floppy: [down in the basement, watching TV, Savannah is on] No, Peyton, don't listen to him! Don't kiss him, Peyton! Don't sleep with him, he's your father!
- [Jack enters]
- Mr. Floppy: Savannah has moved to Mondays. Sorry, Cybil, we're going to the WB!
- Sable O'Brien: [eating cake with Tiffany, but they're ignoring each other] Ryan, will you hurry? I need a ride for the party!
- Ryan Malloy: All right, I'm coming, I'm just sliding into my leopard briefs.
- [disgusted, both girls gag on their cake, spitting it out]
- Sable O'Brien: If anyone calls for me, I'll be home late. Okay?
- Tiffany Malloy: So, now I'm your answering machine, huh? Press One if you got my number from a matchbook. Press Two if you think you might have *caught* something from me. Press Three for group rates.
- Sable O'Brien: You better start getting along with me. After all, we're... practically sisters. What with your father getting *so* close to my mother.
- Tiffany Malloy: My father wouldn't touch your mother. As a matter of fact, I don't believe he even touches *my* mother.
- Sable O'Brien: Men doesn't say no to my Mom. And my Mom doesn't say no to men!