- [first lines]
- Barbara Kaufman: [in the library, Ryan sits down next to her, pretending not to be looking at her] What *are* you doing?
- Ryan Malloy: Trying a new thing. I'm ignoring you. Read somewhere that will make you want me.
- Barbara Kaufman: I wouldn't want you even if I were Kevin Costner and you were a good script. Now give me a buck, I want a soda.
- Ryan Malloy: We're not dating, why should I give you money?
- Barbara Kaufman: You've been looking at my legs for about a buck.
- Ryan Malloy: [about to hand over] You got change for a five?
- [Barbara uncrosses her legs, shifts her position, giving him an off-camera Sharon Stone flash as she crosses her legs again, then rises, walks away]
- Ryan Malloy: Thank you!
- Ryan Malloy: So, who's the new guy?
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, his name is Billy, and we are *so* in love.
- Ryan Malloy: Love. Love is for girls! *Porn* is for guys! And, uh, beer is what brings the two of them together!
- Tiffany Malloy: [mobile phone rings] Hello? Oh. Oh, I miss you too! Okay. Till then. Bye.
- [imitates kiss, puts away phone]
- Tiffany Malloy: That was Billy. He called to make sure I made it safely across the room.
- [Billy stands waving]
- Ryan Malloy: Oh, I get it. He's gay!
- Tiffany Malloy: He is *not* gay.
- Ryan Malloy: Oh, come on! He holds your hand, and not only does he have a cellphone, but he uses it to call you from across the room! Gay!
- Tiffany Malloy: Not gay, okay? Just acting gay 'cause he's in love with me. That's what straight guys do when they fall in love. They act all gay. And I really think I might be in love with him too. Ryan, I think this might be the guy. I think the time has come for me to lose my virginity.
- Ryan Malloy: Yum-ping yimminy!
- [to the viewers:]
- Ryan Malloy: I don't know, you think anyone will stay tuned?
- [Tiffany nods emphatically]
- Barbara Kaufman: Trust me. Touch Celibate Boy and he'll be begging like a Spice Girl in two years.
- Tiffany Malloy: You know what? You're right! Why should I respect his wishes? A guy can't learn too young that what he wants doesn't mean a damn thing! I'll touch him and I will have him!
- Mr. Floppy: You know, I've got a plan that will take the worry and grief factor out of being a parent. We clone Claudia Schiffer. We have a bunch of Schiffers out there, and every guy will have one. A moronic blonde ice maiden. No brains, no father, no underwear. Damn things sell themselves.
- Jack Malloy: You know, Floppy, that is the kind of thinking that makes for great people. Uber-people.
- Mr. Floppy: Here's another one for ya. It seems that there are too many countries. For instance, Canada doesn't seem to have any purpose, does it? How does this sound? Even *Norther* Dakota!
- Jack Malloy: Hell, why not just march in there and take it over? And who's gonna stop us, the Canadian army?
- [bursts out laughing]
- Mr. Floppy: Or their mighty protectors, the English? "Don't fire until you can see the yellow of their teeth!"
- Jack Malloy: Floppy, I like your plan for world domination!
- Mr. Floppy: Vote for me for President! A Claudia Schiffer in every pot, and you'll never take *crap* from a foreigner again!