Unhappily Ever After (TV Series)

The Bigger They Are, the Harder They Fall (1995)

Geoff Pierson: Jack Malloy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jack Malloy : So, what do you wanna do tonight?

  Mr. Floppy : I wanna go out with Cindy Crawford. I wanna surf the Great Barrier Reef. I wanna see Paree at sunset. I'd like to kill Madonna and blame it on Sandra Bernhard...

  [nods to himself as Jack thinks this over] 

  Mr. Floppy : but... somehow I feel we're gonna sit here and order pizza, and listen to you complain about that shrew of an ex-wife.

• T.V. Evangelist : [voice on television]  And the Lord said, "Let him who has not been with a hooker, cast the first stone."

  [smarmily:] 

  T.V. Evangelist : Send me money. Hallelujah!

  Jack Malloy : [alone in his apartment]  Ah, it's eleven, huh? God, my life's pathetic. I need someone to talk to.

  [Mr. Floppy rises, pointing eagerly at himself] 

  Jack Malloy : No, no, I'm not gonna do it, I'm not gonna talk to my son's stuffed bunny. That would be the first sign of insanity.

  [Mr. Floppy sags down again] 

• Jennie Malloy : [entering Jack's apartment, bearing down on him malevolently]  You cheap festering sore of a man! I should kill you where you stand!

  [seizes Mr. Floppy, throttles him, viciously tossing the hapless toy back on the couch] 

  Jennie Malloy : I should strangle you dead!

  Jack Malloy : What? What did I do?

  Jennie Malloy : [snarling]  I went to hock my engagement ring. The diamond is a fake!

  Mr. Floppy : [mistreated, hanging upside down from couch, coming to, looking at Jack knowingly]  Oooooh.

  [passes out] 

• Jack Malloy : And again, I think you're glossing over something very important here. This was the best zircon money could buy. And it was one of the first. It was back when they still called it glass. All right, if it makes you feel any better, the ring itself is actual 14 carat goldette.

  Jennie Malloy : [studying the ring critically]  Well, what can I expect from a man who for sixteen years gave me orgasm-ettes?

  Jack Malloy : [confident]  Those screams were real, baby!

  Jennie Malloy : [as if dripping cold water on him]  Scream-ettes.

• Tiffany Malloy : [opening front door, stilted tone]  Ah, the man who didn't want kids.

  Jack Malloy : [coming inside, closing door]  So, your Mom told you about that, huh? Did she also tell you that she didn't want them either?

  Tiffany Malloy : Ah, she said you'd say that.

  Jack Malloy : Mm. What else did she say?

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, not much. But I guess that instead of naming me Tiffany, it should have been Zales. Don't take this wrong, I love you and everything, but I would never settle for anyone like you.

  [shaking her head] 

  Jack Malloy : You know, that would be a sweet Father's Day card.

  Tiffany Malloy : Daddy, you love me! You wouldn't want me stuck with someone like you.

  [smirks] 

  Tiffany Malloy : I don't even want a college boy or even a med student.

  [confidentially:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Too chancy. What if he were to kill someone in the operating table, who's the big loser there? Me!

  [sighs] 

  Jack Malloy : You know, you're going to make quite the little catch.

  Tiffany Malloy : Yeah,

  [flittering with her hair] 

  Tiffany Malloy : I know, aren't I?

  [adding coldly:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : By the way, what are you doing here?

  Jack Malloy : Came to see the kids.

  Tiffany Malloy : [untouched]  Oh, cool.

  Jack Malloy : So, how are you?

  Tiffany Malloy : Fine. And you?

  Jack Malloy : Fine.

  Tiffany Malloy : Good.

  [puffs her cheeks in exasperation] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Ryan, your turn!

  [leaves] 

  Ryan Malloy : [putting on a smile]  Hi, Dad!

  Jack Malloy : Hi, how are you?

  Ryan Malloy : Fine. Ross, your turn!