- Jack Malloy: Ryan, hurry up! Your sister needs that painting to go to school!
- Ryan Malloy: [down in the basement] Uh-oh, they didn't forget I was down here as I hoped. I know. I'll save the day with a painting of my own, cover it, and fail to believe there will be any consequences.
- [a lot of buckets of paint just stand ready]
- Ryan Malloy: Uh! Just like kindergarten. Except without the beatings!
- Tiffany Malloy: [after Barbara got an A+ for glorifying her teacher] That's not art! It's kissing up!
- Barbara Caufield: Who cares? Like I really wanna be a starving artist living in some attic with bad lighting and rats! Like an agent would if life were fair.
- Tiffany Malloy: They say that every time an assistant makes agent, a bell rings in hell.
- Mr. Floppy: You know, Jack, I know nobody's gonna agree with me, but I think Monica Lewinsky is kinda *hot!*
- Jack Malloy: Come on, Floppy, she's the Pillsbury Doughgirl.
- Mr. Floppy: Sure she's a chub, but... she looks so soft and inviting. She's cuddly, she's squeezable. *And* she brings the pizza! She's cute.
- Jack Malloy: [dismissive gesture] Nah!
- Mr. Floppy: [campy voice] Come on, Jack, admit it. You think she's cute.
- Jack Malloy: Well... all right, all right! Yeah, I do.
- Mr. Floppy: [got what he wanted] Sucker! Jack and Monica, sitting in a tree! E-A-T-I-N-G! Crack goes the branch, and down they go! Thank God they landed on Sheryl Crow!
- [last lines]
- Tiffany Malloy: [a year later, and Tiffany's drawing is now a TV animation] Who could be so low as to steal a young girl's painting from the garbage?
- Ryan Malloy: [in Hollywood, where the culprit's now a bigwig] I don't care what the writers think! It's the Ryan Malloy package. I'm an agent, I run this town! The Olsen twins will do nudity and like it!