- Mr. Floppy: [his first words] Jack, you're a loser.
- Jack Malloy: Huh?
- Mr. Floppy: I said a loser. What part of that didn't you understand?
- [long pause]
- Jack Malloy: So, you're talking, Mr. Floppy?
- [Mr. Floppy nods]
- Jack Malloy: Gee, it didn't take me long to lose my mind. Now, did it?
- Tiffany Malloy: [at the top of the stairs, long, loose red hair, short skirt, long boots] Hey, Ryan, I have something for ya.
- [coming down, carrying a glass of water, approaching Ryan]
- Tiffany Malloy: Turn around.
- [he does so, and she throws the glass of water over his butt]
- Tiffany Malloy: You like that?
- [he just grins at her]
- Tiffany Malloy: That's how it feels when somebody leaves the toilet seat up and you fall in.
- [still he just stands grinning]
- Jennie Malloy: Oh, now, c'mon kids, you know the rules. Shut up until you go to sleep.
- Ryan Malloy: Hey, Dad. Where you been?
- Jack Malloy: Your Mom kicked me out two weeks ago.
- Ryan Malloy: No kidding? Oh well, see ya.
- [going off without a care]
- Tiffany Malloy: Hi, Dad.
- Jack Malloy: Hi, baby. Uh, you knew I was gone, did you?
- Tiffany Malloy: Daddy, I'm so self-absorbed I didn't even know you were here now.
- Amber Moss: [in the school cafeteria, Tiffany likes the boy] Oh, he's cute.
- Tiffany Malloy: Yeah.
- [dressed to kill, giggles]
- Amber Moss: Well, go ahead, you should give him a tumble. Sex is cool, all the kids are doing it.
- Tiffany Malloy: Well, not me. I'm not caving in to peer pressure. I choose to save my virginity for some wrinkly old wheeze-bag with a ton of money and a month to live. I'm not giving it away. There's going to be a major entry fee.
- Amber Moss: Then why bother dressing like that?
- Tiffany Malloy: Cos I love the power.
- Ryan Malloy: I can't believe this. No-one wants to go out with me. Is every girl in this school a lesbian? Katie?
- [on the spot, Katie grabs her best friend and hugs her]
- Ryan Malloy: Lisa?
- [following suit, blond Lisa grabs her best blond friend and hugs her]
- Ryan Malloy: Great. We're producing a nation of gym teachers.
- Tiffany Malloy: [to unsympathetic Ross and Ryan] Don't be so unfeeling! Our Daddy is hurting. He needs our support.
- [in her bag, cellphone rings, she takes it out, answers]
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, hi, Amber... Oh, I'm at my Dad's place... Well, you wouldn't want to sit on the toilet here.
- Amber Moss: [explaining the benefits of having divorcing parents to Tiffany] And the best part for you is, when you fail, it is not because you're stupid, you're a product of a broken home.
- Barry: Uh-huh.
- Miss Taylor: [incoming hot-looking female teacher, short skirt, long red hair, bosomy] Ryan Malloy!
- [confronting him]
- Miss Taylor: Somebody stole a mid-term exam from my desk. I know it was you.
- Ryan Malloy: [shrugs] I'm sorry.
- [remembering what he overheard]
- Ryan Malloy: I'm the product of a broken home.
- Miss Taylor: [instantly sympathetic] Oh. Then it's okay.
- [hugs him, clasping him to her bosom, he is in heaven]
- Jack Malloy: [re Jennie not returning his leather jacket] If I took something of yours, I'd give it back.
- Jennie Malloy: What about my virginity?
- Jack Malloy: Check with somebody else, baby.
- Mr. Floppy: God, you're one deluded schizophrenic! You want some advice? Run! Change your name, move to the Ozarks, sell used sheep, have a daughter and marry her. The important part is: Run!
- [nods sagely]
- Jack Malloy: I never ran from anything in my life. Except for cops and really big guys. But never from responsibility. Except that girl who thought she was pregnant. I wonder whatever happened to her?
- [smiles]
- Jack Malloy: Anyway, I'm not running now! I'm gonna stay here and take care of my wife and kids.
- Mr. Floppy: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Save your cheap sentiments for Full House! Your wife's a shrew, and if you think your kids love you... They don't! Believe me, I was there.
- Jack Malloy: You know, there's a nice big can down by the bus stop. It says "Toys for Honduras." How'd you like to wake up there?
- Mr. Floppy: Do it if you've got the guts!
- [growls menacingly]
- Jack Malloy: [sighs] Yeah, maybe this divorce was my fault. I can't even get along with a stuffed bunny.