Bobcat Goldthwait: Mr. Floppy

Quotes 

• Jack Malloy : Aw, come on,. Mr. Floppy, come along on the picnic! Come on! The whole family's gonna be there. I need someone to talk to.

  Mr. Floppy : A picnic? Next thing you'll be going to a foreign movie where they show their wee-wees. And if you should see a hooter, it comes with a hairy armpit.

  [shudders] 

  Mr. Floppy : I'll stick to American movies, American hooters and American beer. Maybe a British hooter if she had her teeth done. Be a man! Stay home with me and watch Melrose Place.

  Jack Malloy : It is really heating up, isn't it?

  [Floppy nods] 

  Jack Malloy : Oh, maybe I really wanna go on a picnic.

  Mr. Floppy : *Oh, please!* John Wayne wouldn't go on a picnic. Neither would Bogey or Gable or that tall drink of water Gary Cooper. All the real men are *gone.* You wanna know what happened to the men in this country? I'll tell you what happened to the men in this country! Women! Women like Glenn Close and Meryl Streep. Strong women with receding hair-lines, and the sexual heat of George Washington.

  Jack Malloy : You know something? You're absolutely right. Come to think about it, what happened to the babes that we used to have in the old days like... Brigitte Bardot... Sophia Loren... Marilyn Monroe?

  [lovingly fondles punching bag as if appreciating female curves] 

  Jack Malloy : You show me a chest you wanna nibble on today.

  Mr. Floppy : Certainly not Sigourney 'blackboard' Weaver, Meg 'where are they?' Ryan or Holly 'I'm an actress, I don't need 'em' Hunter. Thank the Lord for Sharon 'peekaboo' Stone.

  [lies back arms and legs spread wide] 

  Jack Malloy : Yes, sir, you gotta admire an actress who understands that you can emote just as well with your clothes off! I'm telling you, Floppy, there's not enough beautiful women around anymore.

  Mr. Floppy : Well, women don't care how they look anymore. Look how they dress! You know what that latest look is all about?

  Jack Malloy : Huh?

  Mr. Floppy : Big butts! There's no other reason for it.

  [at the viewer:] 

  Mr. Floppy : Guys! Make them untie that sweatshirt off their butts *before* you ask them out! Know what you buy! It's time we stand up to women! No more picnics, no more foreign movies, no more meeting their parents, no more salads for dinner, no more coffeehouses - they're taking the place of our bars! Have anyone noticed? No more Mad About You, no more teachers, no more school, no more Streisand! Revolt! Revolution!

  [the rabbit goes rabid] 

  Mr. Floppy : Who's with me?

  Jack Malloy : Well, uh... I'm with you, Mr. Floppy, uh... in principle. But you see, I gotta go on that picnic. You know how it is.

  Mr. Floppy : Yeah, I know how it is.

  [laughs, and Jack goes off] 

  Mr. Floppy : Punk!

  [said that with a growl]