- [first lines]
- Jennie Malloy: [dishing out magazines to Tiffany] Your Vogue, my Vogue. Your British Vogue, my British Vogue. Your French Vogue, my French Vogjue...
- Ryan Malloy: Hey, how come you guys get two of everything, and when I wanna read Sports Illustrated I have to go down to the dentist's office and pretend like I'm a patient?
- Jennie Malloy: [reading Ryan his horoscope] "Attention, Virgo! This is your big chance! You haven't had much success with the opposite sex in the past.
- [she and Tiffany guffaws heartily]
- Jennie Malloy: But that is all about to change. Between the first and seventh, all the planets are aligned for love, and you will have all your dreams come true with a Taurus. Take advantage, Virgo! It's now or never!"
- Ryan Malloy: [elated, jumps up] Yes!
- [swaggers over to Jack]
- Ryan Malloy: I'm gonna get me some, Dad!
- Jack Malloy: Son, now don't go celebrating before the touchdown.
- Ryan Malloy: Dad, how do you know if you are, like, doing it right?
- Jennie Malloy: [scoffs by herself] Yeah, right, go straight to the guru!
- Ryan Malloy: I'm hitting on every Taurus I can. I need a, uh, a smooth line, you know, to kind of get me into the door. What can a guy say to get you interested?
- Tiffany Malloy: [straight from the heart] "I don't wanna touch you, I just wanna give you a lot of money."
- Ryan Malloy: How about: "I'll give you money if you, uh, let me touch you"?
- Tiffany Malloy: Remember that line for when you're forty. Right now, it's classier to offer yogurt. Ryan, you just need to relax around girls.
- Ryan Malloy: All right. You're right. I got it.
- [has his pickup line ready:]
- Ryan Malloy: What's going on? What's going down? What's going around? I'm a virgin, you want a yogurt?
- [big smile]
- Ryan Malloy: Something like that?
- Ryan Malloy: [undergoing training by Tiffany so that he could improve his chances] God! I wish I had sex already so that I'd know if it's worth all this!
- Amber Moss: Usually it's not. But the yogurt's good.
- Chloe: [Tiffany has found somebody at Ryan's level of expertise] He's a dork!
- Tiffany Malloy: [to the little girl:] You're being paid four lollipops, now come on and do your job.
- [to Ryan:]
- Tiffany Malloy: Go on, charm her! You can do it, 'cause I'm helping you. I taught Jasper how to get the mail, I can teach you to be human! Let's try this, okay? You do something good, I'll give you a little fish-cracker, okay? Okay, now... Sit up!
- [like a dog, Ryan obeys]
- Tiffany Malloy: Good! Now, shake!
- [Ryan offers paw]
- Tiffany Malloy: Yes! Roll over!
- [dog boy pleases mistress]
- Tiffany Malloy: Good boy!
- Ryan Malloy: I don't think it's gonna help me get girls.
- Tiffany Malloy: [with laughter] Oh, it's not, it just amuses me!