Kevin Connolly: Ryan Malloy

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Jennie Malloy : [dishing out magazines to Tiffany]  Your Vogue, my Vogue. Your British Vogue, my British Vogue. Your French Vogue, my French Vogjue...

  Ryan Malloy : Hey, how come you guys get two of everything, and when I wanna read Sports Illustrated I have to go down to the dentist's office and pretend like I'm a patient?

• Jennie Malloy : [reading Ryan his horoscope]  "Attention, Virgo! This is your big chance! You haven't had much success with the opposite sex in the past.

  [she and Tiffany guffaws heartily] 

  Jennie Malloy : But that is all about to change. Between the first and seventh, all the planets are aligned for love, and you will have all your dreams come true with a Taurus. Take advantage, Virgo! It's now or never!"

  Ryan Malloy : [elated, jumps up]  Yes!

  [swaggers over to Jack] 

  Ryan Malloy : I'm gonna get me some, Dad!

  Jack Malloy : Son, now don't go celebrating before the touchdown.

• Ryan Malloy : Dad, how do you know if you are, like, doing it right?

  Jennie Malloy : [scoffs by herself]  Yeah, right, go straight to the guru!

• Ryan Malloy : I'm hitting on every Taurus I can. I need a, uh, a smooth line, you know, to kind of get me into the door. What can a guy say to get you interested?

  Tiffany Malloy : [straight from the heart]  "I don't wanna touch you, I just wanna give you a lot of money."

  Ryan Malloy : How about: "I'll give you money if you, uh, let me touch you"?

  Tiffany Malloy : Remember that line for when you're forty. Right now, it's classier to offer yogurt. Ryan, you just need to relax around girls.

  Ryan Malloy : All right. You're right. I got it.

  [has his pickup line ready:] 

  Ryan Malloy : What's going on? What's going down? What's going around? I'm a virgin, you want a yogurt?

  [big smile] 

  Ryan Malloy : Something like that?

• Ryan Malloy : [undergoing training by Tiffany so that he could improve his chances]  God! I wish I had sex already so that I'd know if it's worth all this!

  Amber Moss : Usually it's not. But the yogurt's good.

• Chloe : [Tiffany has found somebody at Ryan's level of expertise]  He's a dork!

  Tiffany Malloy : [to the little girl:]  You're being paid four lollipops, now come on and do your job.

  [to Ryan:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Go on, charm her! You can do it, 'cause I'm helping you. I taught Jasper how to get the mail, I can teach you to be human! Let's try this, okay? You do something good, I'll give you a little fish-cracker, okay? Okay, now... Sit up!

  [like a dog, Ryan obeys] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Good! Now, shake!

  [Ryan offers paw] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Yes! Roll over!

  [dog boy pleases mistress] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Good boy!

  Ryan Malloy : I don't think it's gonna help me get girls.

  Tiffany Malloy : [with laughter]  Oh, it's not, it just amuses me!