Geoff Pierson: Jack Malloy

Quotes 

• Tiffany Malloy : How did you get invited to a hot college party?

  Ryan Malloy : Well, they only invited three high school kids. Johnny's bringing the drinks, Ed's bringing the pizza, and I'm bringing you.

  Tiffany Malloy : And how are we gonna get there?

  Ryan Malloy : Quite simple. When Dad gets home, you ask him to borrow the car. He can't say no to you.

  Tiffany Malloy : I know. He can't.

  [Jack arrives] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Hi, Daddy. Daddy, I was just wondering, can I borrow the car?

  Jack Malloy : No.

  Tiffany Malloy : Thank you.

  [then it sinks in] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Hey, what do you mean, no?

  Jack Malloy : I mean you did something really bad, so you can't use the car.

  Tiffany Malloy : Daddy, no matter what anyone says, I did not fill the car with the cheapest gas imaginable or put on a bumper sticker that says "If you're a cop, and you can read this, it's impossible."

  Jack Malloy : I don't care about that stuff, you changed my radio stations! Now I can't find 'em anymore! I like classic rock, you know that! The Stones, The Who, The Chipmunks! Now all I get is that K-RAP and the all Alanis Morriset station. Gee, I wonder why that guy left her?

  Tiffany Malloy : Daddy...?

  Jack Malloy : Oh, sorry, honey. What I meant to say was "No, you can't use the car."

  Ryan Malloy : Don't worry. I'll ask Mom. She can't say no to me.

  Jennie Malloy : No!

• Mr. Floppy : What's wrong with you?

  Jack Malloy : Aw, the kids changed my radio stations, Floppy. Well, some days I just hate having kids. But I love beer.

  [cherishes his frosty] 

  Jack Malloy : Yup, my old friend beer. Beer doesn't change your radio stations. Beer doesn't wanna... borrow your car. Beer doesn't cause your wife to lose her figure. Wait a second, yes, it does.

  Mr. Floppy : It sponsors those cool Rolling Stones concerts. I guess even beer can make a mistake. I can name three other mistakes beer made. They're called Ryan, Tiffany and Ross!

  Jack Malloy : That's where you're wrong, Mister! Ross was vodka. Don't call my kids mistakes! Except for Ryan, of course. Why am I even talking to you? You don't know anything about kids.

  Mr. Floppy : No, I don't. I've just been mauled by thousands of them. I'm a toy, remember? Kids were touching me all over. They hauled me out of the bed. They peed on me, Jack! And wiped their snotty noses all over me. Then they'd throw me back in, spittle hanging from my ears, gumming up my fur. Soaked to my seams in pressed milk and bile! Once you picked me up to give to your kid, I was so disease-ridden, I was surprised any of you survived. It was no coincidence that Ryan got smallpox, by the way. I thought you were gonna Velveteen Rabbit me after that! By the way, if Velveteen Rabbit stayed with that kid through the whole disease, single-handedly pulled him through the whole disease, and they burn him at the stake for it... What a hero. He's the Joan of Arc to my people. Don't tell me I don't know kids, I slept with more kids than Michael Jackson!