- Amber Moss: [re the career advisor] She recommended I should consider the field of party tramp.
- Barry: She recommended the same for me!
- Tiffany Malloy: This is a big day for me. I'm finally going to be judged on my brains and not just my body. I have to go decide what to wear!
- Tiffany Malloy: [to the Gifted Girls class] Hello. My name is Tiffany Malloy.
- [bit of a twirl to show off her dress]
- Tiffany Malloy: This is an Armani, and these are my real nails.
- Mrs. Finkelstein: [Smart class] Well, let's start off with some simple chemistry. Who can tell me why palladium cannot bond with helium?
- [whole class raises hands, except new girl Tiffany]
- Mrs. Finkelstein: Tiffany?
- Tiffany Malloy: Uh... because helium is a gas and Palladium is a night club?
- Mrs. Finkelstein: Someone should check out their periodic table!
- Tiffany Malloy: [to Agnes] I can't believe it. For the first time in my life, I'm actually doubting myself.
- Agnes: [smarmy voice] Well, as Descartes said, "in order to examine an institute it is necessary once in one's life to doubt of *all* things."
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, yeah? And once Kate Moss said "I'm superficial. So what? Here's a buck. Bring my car around."
- [stick-in-the-mud Agnes doesn't know who that is, and just frowns]
- Tiffany Malloy: Kate Moss... big model...
- [first lines]
- Ryan Malloy: Gee, I've never talked to a guidance counselor before. So, what do you think I should do to prepare for my future?
- Ms. Blake, Guidance Counselor: Well, why don't you get a stick with a nail at the end? That way you won't have to bend over when you pick up the garbage.
- Ryan Malloy: Which end does the nail go? And is it true that I need a really long nail so it comes out the other end? And... is the moon really a cheesy balloon?
- Ms. Blake, Guidance Counselor: Oh, so you're interested in science? Goo-ood! Well, maybe you'd be interested in an exciting career as a lab rat! There are always new chemicals to be tested. Shampoos don't start at *no tears.* And there are always diseases that have to be tested on... something!
- [widens her eyes]
- Ryan Malloy: You mean you can get paid for that?
- Ms. Blake, Guidance Counselor: Oh, yeah, and they have an *excellent* retirement program!