Kevin Connolly: Ryan Malloy

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Ms. Musante : [in college class]  I would like to welcome you all to Women's Studies 101. As you know, there has never been a better time to be a woman in America. *You* are the future of womankind.

  Ryan Malloy : [incongruously, the only guy in class, with his thoughts heard:]  The only guy in the fairytale land of Boobieville. If you don't listen to the teacher, this class isn't half bad at all. Look at all these breasts!

  Francesca : [girl in red dress sitting in front of Ryan turns back to snarl at him]  Shut up!

  Ryan Malloy : Did I say that aloud?

  Francesca : No, but we all know what you're thinking.

  Ms. Musante : Now, it is the *duty* of this class to get us in touch with our womanhood, so... I want you to all wander around the classroom... and hug each other.

  Ryan Malloy : [gives broad grin]  I *love* college!

• Jack Malloy : [in front of TV]  Man, I love watching Baywatch! They really tackle the tough issues!

  Ryan Malloy : She chose the red bathing suit.

  Jack Malloy : Oomph!

  Ross Malloy : [about eleven years old]  Dad, why do I feel differently when she runs than when she walks?

  Jack Malloy : Son, that's just because you're getting all caught up in the *excitement* of the story! Just look at all that character development bounce!

  Tiffany Malloy : Why do you guys even like the show? It's terrible!

  Ross Malloy : Well, I guess we're just big fans of David Hasselhoff.

  Tiffany Malloy : Is that all you think women are good for?

• Tiffany Malloy : [re the menfolk's appreciation of Baywatch]  Is that all you think women are good for? Dad, let me ask you a question. If you could have any kind of woman, what would she be?

  Jack Malloy : Oh, I would say a nice upright church-going young lady who's well-spoken, dresses modestly, retains her virginity and respects her Daddy.

  Tiffany Malloy : It's not about me, Daddy, it's a school project.

  Jack Malloy : Oh! Well... Then, a slut!

  Ryan Malloy : I want a stupid one. You know, one could talk to.

  Tiffany Malloy : How about you, Ross? Do you want a smart woman or a stupid woman?

  Ross Malloy : [impatiently]  Whichever one talks less when I'm trying to watch Baywatch!

  Tiffany Malloy : Daddy, you appear to be the most *mature* of the three about this *slut* you want.

  Jack Malloy : Coco!

  Tiffany Malloy : Yes, Coco. Do you want this Coco to be smart or stupid?

  Jack Malloy : I never thought of her as having a head.

  Tiffany Malloy : All girls have heads, Daddy.

  Jack Malloy : Oh, no, the girls on Baywatch don't! They- Hey, look, they do! Hey, Ross, look, the girls do have heads!

  Ross Malloy : Well, thanks for ruining it for me, Dad!

  Tiffany Malloy : [impatientl]  Would you guys just answer my question? If you could choose between a smart woman or a stupid woman, which one would you pick?

  Jack Malloy : I would just choose whichever one is better looking.

  Tiffany Malloy : What if they were twins?

  Jack Malloy , Ryan Malloy , Ross Malloy : Oh!

  Tiffany Malloy : Ryan, I need you!

  Ryan Malloy : No!

  [busy watching TV] 

  Tiffany Malloy : It's a commercial!

  Ryan Malloy : Yeah, but Captain Crunch is in trouble!

  [gets dragged off] 

  Ryan Malloy : Now what is so important?

  Tiffany Malloy : Have you started your report yet? I mean, have you figured out what women want?

  Ryan Malloy : I do what the ape lady did. Go mano-a-mano. Most dangerous species of all! Women! If I don't come back alive, whew, what a way to go!

  Tiffany Malloy : I am gonna do my report on whether men prefer smart women or stupid women, and to remove any extraneous factors like looks, I'll pose as twins, one smart, one stupid, and the two of us will hit on the same guy.

  Ryan Malloy : What two of you?

  Tiffany Malloy : Me and my twin sister.

  Ryan Malloy : Oh. Is she that really unpleasant girl that's here, like, two or three days every month?

  Tiffany Malloy : Ryan, you're an idiot. And that's why I need your help with my report. Tell me, how do you act stupid?

  Ryan Malloy : How would I know? Go ask a stupid person.

  Tiffany Malloy : Good idea. How do you act stupid?

  Ryan Malloy : Will you stop asking me that question! Hey, Ross, I'm not stupid, am I?

  Ross Malloy : Let's say Farmer Brown has four apples, and you take one. Now, how many apples has Farmer Brown have left?

  Ryan Malloy : [smiles]  I like apples.

  Tiffany Malloy : Okay. Let me... rephrase my question. What would you say to somebody in a normal conversation?

  Ryan Malloy : [smiles]  I like apples.

  Tiffany Malloy : That's great. What else?

  Ryan Malloy : I don't know.

  Tiffany Malloy : Very good! What else?

  Ryan Malloy : Huh?

• Ryan Malloy : Hey, Ross, I'm not stupid, am I?

  Ross Malloy : Let's say Farmer Brown has four apples, and you take one. Now, how many apples has Farmer Brown have left?

  Ryan Malloy : [smiles]  I like apples.

  Tiffany Malloy : Okay. Let me... rephrase my question. What would you say to somebody in a normal conversation?

  Ryan Malloy : [smiles]  I like apples.

  Tiffany Malloy : That's great. What else?

  Ryan Malloy : I don't know.

  Tiffany Malloy : Very good! What else?

  Ryan Malloy : Huh?

  Tiffany Malloy : Perfect!

  Ryan Malloy : What?

  Tiffany Malloy : I got that.

  Ryan Malloy : Got what? Milk?

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, man! Oh, man, if I could just steal that look off your face! It's gold!

  Ryan Malloy : What?

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, it's great!

  [practices a stupid braying laugh] 

  Ryan Malloy : Man, you look stupid!

  [she continues] 

  Ryan Malloy : Now you sound like an idiot too! Oh, man, you are dumb. At least you're not mean like you're twin. You know... I've never seen her in the pool.

  [that's the last straw, Tiffany is now truly fed up with him]