- [first lines]
- Muffy: [as Tiffany enters college library wearing short black dress] Tiffy, you look great! I can't wait till my mother dies so that I can wear black!
- Tiffany Malloy: I get to park in all the handicapped spots too!
- Muffy: Because your mother's dead?
- Tiffany Malloy: No! Because I'm wearing this dress! I can do anything I want, the cops just smile and wave.
- [waves]
- Tiffany Malloy: They're outside right now, washing my car.
- Muffy: Don't you miss your Mom?
- Tiffany Malloy: Who? Oh, yes, yes, very much, but she's still kind of, uh, with us in *spirit.*
- Tiffany Malloy: [Ryan enters the library with a brown paper bag wafting eerily behind him] Ryan, what are you doing?
- Ryan Malloy: Mom brought me my lunch. She wanted to come haunt us in school. She's more fun than a barrel of dead monkeys!
- Muffy: [can't figure this out] How do you do that?
- Ryan Malloy: Well, actually, us magicians do not like to tell, but... I got a dead mother! She's a ghost.
- Jennie Malloy: [appears] Ta-dah!
- [but can only be seen by her children]
- Muffy: How come I can't see her?
- Ryan Malloy: Well, nobody saw that Ted Danson show either. Doesn't mean it didn't exist.
- Tiffany Malloy: [to her mother] Will you please stop touching my hair? How would you like it if I did that to your hair?
- Muffy: You're lucky. I'd much rather have a dead mother touching me than my live uncle.
- Jennie Malloy: [to Tiffany] Oh, come on! Lighten up! Have some fun too! Well, you don't have that many years left. I looked in the Big Book.
- Tiffany Malloy: I'm dying soon?
- [voice catching]
- Jennie Malloy: No, I'm kidding!
- [laughs]
- Jennie Malloy: Oh, it's just the scamp in me! I'm kinda like a cross between Casper and Della Reese. Now, if you'll excuse me, I sold all the clothes from the football team, and practice is *just* about over. Time for my own little *hot butt contest!*
- Ryan Malloy: Oh, that Mom! I haven't had this much fun with a dead person since the time we put that hamster in Grandma's coffin!
- Tiffany Malloy: [remembers happily] Whoo-hoo!
- Tiffany Malloy: [to the exorcist] Can I do anything for you, Father?
- Father Guido Sarducci: [old charlatan that he is, stares at the pretty young girl, so much that even she gets a bit self-conscious, then he casts his eyes up above] Hope You don't read minds.
- Father Guido Sarducci: [to the sham exorcist] Look, we paid you twenty-five bucks. Now let's see some action!
- Mr. Floppy: Okay. Repeat after me. Evil-a spirit, please, leave-a this house!
- Father Guido Sarducci, Ryan Malloy, Tiffany Malloy, Jack Malloy: Evil-a spirit, please-a leave-a this house!
- Mr. Floppy: Very good!
- Father Guido Sarducci, Ryan Malloy, Tiffany Malloy, Jack Malloy: Thank-a you very much!
- Jennie Malloy: [appears] Evil-a spirit? Is that what you think of me? Well, I'm not one to hang around some place I'm not *wanted!*
- Father Guido Sarducci: Then how do you explain our marriage?
- Jennie Malloy: Fine! You won't have Dead *Mom* to kick around anymore!
- [heads for front door]
- Jennie Malloy: If you change your minds, I will be backstage at the Calvin Klein's menswear show!
- [leaves in a huff, is heard singing:]
- Jennie Malloy: Swing low...
- Tiffany Malloy: [enters, finds living room a pigsty] Hey, is anybody gonna clean up this mess?
- Ross Malloy: How about you? You're the girl!
- Tiffany Malloy: Yeah, well... At least I don't *throw* like one!
- [walks past]
- Ross Malloy: [not to be outdone] At least I can go to the bathroom without turning the faucet on.