Geoff Pierson: Jack Malloy

Quotes 

• Mr. Floppy : You know, Jack, I've been thinking. I'm breaking up with Drew Barrymore.

  Jack Malloy : I thought you loved her.

  Mr. Floppy : Love is a two-way street, Jack, and I'm alone in my truck. How many times must I send her letters baring my soul, saying the three little words every woman wants to hear? 'Dance for me!'

  Jack Malloy : I thought the three words were 'I have cash.'

  Mr. Floppy : Well, I'm sick of her rejection. She's not the only star worth stalking. I'm gonna make the little vixen jealous. When they know another chick's interested, all of a sudden they straighten up and fly right. Take my order, Jack.

  Jack Malloy : [takes pad]  Yeah, all right.

  Mr. Floppy : [dictates]  Dear Alicia Silverstone, I love you.

  [enthusiastic grunt] 

  Mr. Floppy : You don't know me, but I know everything about you, where you live, where you eat, where you sleep, but don't worry, I'm not like the others, restraining orders mean nothing to me. I'm dumping Drew Barrymore for you, so put on your red dress and your spike heels and bring it on over to Poppa!

  [to camera:] 

  Mr. Floppy : Drew, if you're watching: Sucka! Next time you'll dance the dance, baby!

  Jack Malloy : Isn't Alicia a little chubby for you?

  Mr. Floppy : She won't be when I finish with her!

• Ryan Malloy : [coming down the stairs of the basement with Ross]  Dad, we're hungry.

  Jack Malloy : Who cares? So's 99% of the rest of the world. Tonight I'm taking Tiffany to that new Italian place.

  Ross Malloy : No, you're not. She's with Mom.

  Ryan Malloy : [sighs]  It's Bingo, Dad. She's got it bad.

  Ross Malloy : And that ain't good.

  Jack Malloy : [rising from couch]  It's the fourth night in a row. I've lost my little girl. My baby. I'm all alone. There's no point in going on anymore. Why, oh why, didn't I have more children?

  [as if Ryan and Ross doesn't count, and they just stand there] 

  Jack Malloy : What are you two doing here? Looking at you just reminds me that you're not her.

  Ryan Malloy : How do you think that makes us feel, Dad?

  Jack Malloy : Ah, you're right, son. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry I was being so insensitive. I'm sure you must miss her too.

  Ross Malloy : She's not dead, Dad. She's just with Mom.

  Jack Malloy : Same thing, son, believe me, I know.

• Jennie Malloy : [planning evening with Tiffany]  So tonight we'll start our Bingo-hopping at the Lutheran church.

  Jack Malloy : [arriving home]  Where's my baby? Where is my little girl? Honey, big news, there's a sale at The House of Cashmere. Let's go tonight!

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, cashmere!

  Jennie Malloy : They're giving out bumper stickers that say 'Bingo players do it in church.'

  Tiffany Malloy : You know, that's cute, I gotta get one.

  Jack Malloy : Look, I'm begging you, come with me, we can go to the Armani Express. I even stole money from the used car lot. We can go for a cappuccino afterwards.

  Jennie Malloy : [chanting]  B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, and Bingo is our game-o!

  [Tiffany laughs appreciatively] 

  Jennie Malloy : Jack, I need to tell you something.

  [she draws Jack away, and when she has his attention, gives cackling laugh] 

  Jennie Malloy : Tiffany likes me better!

  [sing-song voice, spitefully:] 

  Jennie Malloy : I'm the child's favorite! I'm the child's favorite!

• Tiffany Malloy : Daddy, I'm so glad you're home. I got a problem, and I've had no-one to talk to. My hair is drab and lifeless. It's not responding to my shampoo.

  Jack Malloy : Hmm.

  [taking a sniff] 

  Jack Malloy : Yes. You have a soap residue, and your pH balance is off.

  Tiffany Malloy : Thought so.

  Jack Malloy : I would recommend a clarifying shampoo, a heated protein pack and a fresh lemon rinse.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, thanks, Daddy!

  [he gets a kiss] 

  Jennie Malloy : Wait a minute! He's just blathering something he heard on a TV commercial. He doesn't even know what a pH balance is.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh yeah? Feel his hair.

  [Jack bends down, proffering his head to Jennie] 

  Jennie Malloy : [brushing her fingers through his hair]  Soft. Surprisingly soft. What's your secret?

  Jack Malloy : Beer! Inside and out! In fact, I'm soaking in it now.

  [glances at his watch] 

  Jack Malloy : Oh, say, look at the time. I'd better go get myself another treatment.

  Ryan Malloy : [arriving back home, Ross in tow]  Hey, Dad! Look, the dogs are constipated, and we really don't have anything to do. Wanna do something with us?

  Jack Malloy : [feigning he doesn't even know them]  Dad's not home yet.

  [leaves] 

  Ryan Malloy : [to Ross]  Guy looked exactly like Dad.

  Ross Malloy : C'mon, if that was Dad, he'd be holding a beer.

• Jack Malloy : [to Ryan and Ross]  Hey, guys! Wanna spend some time with your old Dad, huh?

  Ryan Malloy : What's the matter, Dad. Is your beloved Tiffany playing Bingo again?

  Jack Malloy : Hey, I'm happy she went, you hear me? I'm happy! Cos this gives us guys a chance to bond, huh? Come on, sit down over here!

  Ryan Malloy : All right!

  [they sit down] 

  Jack Malloy : Tell me, guys, what do you think? Think your Dad looks handsome today, huh? Just washed my hair, it's nice and soft, go ahead, feel!

  [proffers head to Ryan] 

  Ryan Malloy : [not eager]  Feel it, Ross!

  [Jack proffers head to little Ross] 

  Ross Malloy : No, you feel it!

  [Jack proffers head to Ryan] 

  Ryan Malloy : All right, but you gotta do whatever comes next.

  Ross Malloy : [decides to settle for being pragmatic]  Okay, I'll feel it.

  [Jack holds his head ready, Ross brushes fingers through Dad's hair] 

  Ross Malloy : Hey, it's soft!

  [Jack chuckles] 

  Ryan Malloy : Can I feel?

  [strokes] 

  Ryan Malloy : Wow! It is soft! Hey, Dad, how can we get hair like yours?

  Jack Malloy : I don't want my hair gummed up, you weren't just eating anything, were you?

  Ryan Malloy : Just cleaned out the cat box.

  Jack Malloy : [wildly panicking]  Get out of here!

• Jack Malloy : Doesn't it feel soft?

  [running his fingers through his own hair] 

  Jack Malloy : It's the beer rinse, you know. You... you wanna go out shopping?

  Mr. Floppy : [wears ugly red wig]  Jack, it's not gonna work. I'm not Tiffany. Or a 40-year-old accountant going to Woodstock 3.

  [to camera:] 

  Mr. Floppy : Drew or Alicia, if you're watching, I'm straight. And if RuPaul is watching, this is how you carry it off, baby!

  Jack Malloy : Floppy, you're supposed to be talking to me. I'm the one with the problem.

  Mr. Floppy : [really looking awful]  Yeah, no kidding.

• Jack Malloy : [despondent]  I might as well just own up to the fact that I lost my little girl. My sons are strangely fearful.

  [sighs:] 

  Jack Malloy : Oh well...

  Mr. Floppy : Yeah.

  [mimics:] 

  Mr. Floppy : Oh well! You got Jennie pregnant and there goes your future. Oh well! You had one kid you can't afford, but the what, what's two more? Oh well! They bring Cosby back with the new show with the same old wife. Oh well! When does it end? When does 'oh well' turn into 'all hell?' What does it take to make you mad? A woman president?

  Jack Malloy : We've already got one.

  Mr. Floppy : Jack, you're an important guy. You sell used cars to the maid of the guy who may cure heart disease. You matter, Jack.

  Jack Malloy : [hopeful]  Really?

  Mr. Floppy : No. You have nothing. Nothing but your daughter's love, and Jennie took it. She stole Tiffany from you, plain and simple. Let's face it, Jack, she stole your life, your dreams, and any thought for a shelf in your closet. And all of the good flannel shirts.

  Jack Malloy : Man, how I love those flannel shirts. They were so soft and comfy. Kind of like my hair, go ahead, feel it!

  [proffers head, and Mr. Floppy feels his hair] 

  Mr. Floppy : Very soft, Jack. Can I smell it?

  Jack Malloy : Sure. Go ahead.

  [Mr. Floppy sniffs twice, then gives a messy sneeze] 

  Jack Malloy : What did you have to go and do that for, Mr. Floppy?

  Mr. Floppy : I'm allergic to kitty litter.

• Mr. Floppy : Look, Jack, you lost everything else to Jennie. Make a stand with your daughter, win her back!

  Jack Malloy : By God, I'll do it! I'll show Jennie who's boss! And I'm gonna start by taking all of my flannel shirts out of her closet, and hide 'em somewhere real good. The only thing is, I can't let her see me wearing 'em.

  [snaps to idea] 

  Jack Malloy : I got it! I'll wear them under other shirts!

  Mr. Floppy : You the man!

  Jack Malloy : I'm the flannel man!

• Jack Malloy : I'm the man who-hears-the-bunny-talk man!

  Mr. Floppy : Yeah! Coo-coo man!

  Jack Malloy : Yeah, the crazy man! I'm crazy, man!

  [laughs] 

• Jennie Malloy : [dancing]  Oh, I just love the Charleston!

  Jack Malloy : You know, you can make anything uncool.

  Jennie Malloy : You used to say I was bitchin'.

  Jack Malloy : You still are.