Bobcat Goldthwait: Mr. Floppy

Quotes 

• Mr. Floppy : You know, Jack, I've been thinking. I'm breaking up with Drew Barrymore.

  Jack Malloy : I thought you loved her.

  Mr. Floppy : Love is a two-way street, Jack, and I'm alone in my truck. How many times must I send her letters baring my soul, saying the three little words every woman wants to hear? 'Dance for me!'

  Jack Malloy : I thought the three words were 'I have cash.'

  Mr. Floppy : Well, I'm sick of her rejection. She's not the only star worth stalking. I'm gonna make the little vixen jealous. When they know another chick's interested, all of a sudden they straighten up and fly right. Take my order, Jack.

  Jack Malloy : [takes pad]  Yeah, all right.

  Mr. Floppy : [dictates]  Dear Alicia Silverstone, I love you.

  [enthusiastic grunt] 

  Mr. Floppy : You don't know me, but I know everything about you, where you live, where you eat, where you sleep, but don't worry, I'm not like the others, restraining orders mean nothing to me. I'm dumping Drew Barrymore for you, so put on your red dress and your spike heels and bring it on over to Poppa!

  [to camera:] 

  Mr. Floppy : Drew, if you're watching: Sucka! Next time you'll dance the dance, baby!

  Jack Malloy : Isn't Alicia a little chubby for you?

  Mr. Floppy : She won't be when I finish with her!

• Jack Malloy : Doesn't it feel soft?

  [running his fingers through his own hair] 

  Jack Malloy : It's the beer rinse, you know. You... you wanna go out shopping?

  Mr. Floppy : [wears ugly red wig]  Jack, it's not gonna work. I'm not Tiffany. Or a 40-year-old accountant going to Woodstock 3.

  [to camera:] 

  Mr. Floppy : Drew or Alicia, if you're watching, I'm straight. And if RuPaul is watching, this is how you carry it off, baby!

  Jack Malloy : Floppy, you're supposed to be talking to me. I'm the one with the problem.

  Mr. Floppy : [really looking awful]  Yeah, no kidding.

• Jack Malloy : [despondent]  I might as well just own up to the fact that I lost my little girl. My sons are strangely fearful.

  [sighs:] 

  Jack Malloy : Oh well...

  Mr. Floppy : Yeah.

  [mimics:] 

  Mr. Floppy : Oh well! You got Jennie pregnant and there goes your future. Oh well! You had one kid you can't afford, but the what, what's two more? Oh well! They bring Cosby back with the new show with the same old wife. Oh well! When does it end? When does 'oh well' turn into 'all hell?' What does it take to make you mad? A woman president?

  Jack Malloy : We've already got one.

  Mr. Floppy : Jack, you're an important guy. You sell used cars to the maid of the guy who may cure heart disease. You matter, Jack.

  Jack Malloy : [hopeful]  Really?

  Mr. Floppy : No. You have nothing. Nothing but your daughter's love, and Jennie took it. She stole Tiffany from you, plain and simple. Let's face it, Jack, she stole your life, your dreams, and any thought for a shelf in your closet. And all of the good flannel shirts.

  Jack Malloy : Man, how I love those flannel shirts. They were so soft and comfy. Kind of like my hair, go ahead, feel it!

  [proffers head, and Mr. Floppy feels his hair] 

  Mr. Floppy : Very soft, Jack. Can I smell it?

  Jack Malloy : Sure. Go ahead.

  [Mr. Floppy sniffs twice, then gives a messy sneeze] 

  Jack Malloy : What did you have to go and do that for, Mr. Floppy?

  Mr. Floppy : I'm allergic to kitty litter.

• Mr. Floppy : Look, Jack, you lost everything else to Jennie. Make a stand with your daughter, win her back!

  Jack Malloy : By God, I'll do it! I'll show Jennie who's boss! And I'm gonna start by taking all of my flannel shirts out of her closet, and hide 'em somewhere real good. The only thing is, I can't let her see me wearing 'em.

  [snaps to idea] 

  Jack Malloy : I got it! I'll wear them under other shirts!

  Mr. Floppy : You the man!

  Jack Malloy : I'm the flannel man!

• Jack Malloy : I'm the man who-hears-the-bunny-talk man!

  Mr. Floppy : Yeah! Coo-coo man!

  Jack Malloy : Yeah, the crazy man! I'm crazy, man!

  [laughs] 

• Mr. Floppy : [last lines, reading fan mail]  'Dear Mr. Floppy, we've noticed that you've made several derogatory comments about thieving gypsies in your recent shows. Clearly you've chosen to pick on us because we're not as well-organized as the other stupid minorities. Well, that's all changed. Signed, the Committee for Concerned Thieving Gypsies.' Uh, Thieving Gypsies, let me put it this way, we won't say any derogatory things about you if, uh, you give us back our wallets. Oh yeah... uhm, and our children.

• [last lines] 

  Mr. Floppy : [reading fan mail]  "Dear Mr. Floppy, we noticed you made several derogatory comments about 'thieving gypsies' in your recent shows. Clearly you've chosen to pick on us because we're not as well organized as the other *stupid* minorities. Well, that's all changed. Signed, the Committee for Concerned Thieving Gypsies." Uh, Thieving Gypsies, let me put it this way: We won't say any derogatory things about you if, uh, you give us back our wallets. Oh, yeah, uhm, and our children.