- Tiffany Malloy: [aspiring star reporter] Front page story for the Northridge Gazette. Mindy Gallackson scored eighty points in a girls' basketball game. Eighty points!
- Barbara Caufield: In a girls' basketball game?
- [shakes her head]
- Barbara Caufield: I mean, it's like Bosnia. You know it's there, somewhere, but you don't care.
- Tiffany Malloy: You mean, sort of like news radio?
- Barbara Caufield: A word of wisdom from your Editor-in-Chief. "Dog bites man," that's nothing. "Bosnia dog bites man," that's really nothing, but "Dog buys gun and robs blood bank," that's news.
- [proudly displays front page of latest copy]
- Barbara Caufield: Front page news!
- [hands over newspaper]
- Barbara Caufield: That was one crazy dog!
- Tiffany Malloy: Every story on this front page was written by you. And isn't this an exact replica of the Harvard newspaper masthead?
- Barbara Caufield: Yes, it is. And I think it will look good along with my Harvard application. See, one of the things I've found *most* important in my journey to greater education, is the ability to brown-nose.
- [teacher approaches]
- Barbara Caufield: Hello, Professor Dawson!
- [Professor Dawson just walks past]
- Barbara Caufield: Hello, Professor Lewis!
- [he, too, just walks past]
- Barbara Caufield: Hello, Jorge!
- [cleaner halts in his tracks]
- Barbara Caufield: I must say the floors have been so free of garbage, vomit and urine lately,
- [simpering:]
- Barbara Caufield: thank you, amigo!
- Janitor: My name is not Jorge.
- Barbara Caufield: That's okay. World cup go Mexico.
- Janitor: I'm from Pakistan.
- Barbara Caufield: Oh. Well, congratulations on your newfound nuclear capabilities.
- [janitor walks away]
- Barbara Caufield: Use them wisely.
- [waves, then turns back to Tiffany]
- Barbara Caufield: You can never brown-nose too much. That's why I'm nice to everyone.
- Ryan Malloy: [arrives] Hello, Barbara.
- Barbara Caufield: Drop dead.
- [walks away]
- Ryan Malloy: You know, Tiff, I think I'm finally hitting my stride with girls. Just today, I was sitting in the car at the stoplight, right? A really pretty girl in a short skirt walks up to me and says "You want a date?" I mean, she's asking me! This girl who people would pay fifty or a hundred dollars to be with!
- Tiffany Malloy: Ryan... She was a prostitute.
- Ryan Malloy: Prostitute, Catholic, I don't care!
- [shakes head happily]
- Ryan Malloy: This isn't Belfast!
- Jack Malloy: [strenuously working out] I'll be ready when the call comes.
- [bends over, athletically touches toes]
- Mr. Floppy: Are you expecting to be chosen as the next member of The Village People? Cause you better just hold that pose, Jack.
- Jack Malloy: You don't get it. I'm on the team!
- Mr. Floppy: Is *that* what they're calling it these days?
- Jack Malloy: I'm on the *basketball* team, Floppy, I finally made it. And I'm taking Peggy Ryan up to Inspiration Point.
- Mr. Floppy: Then you better hope Inspiration Point is made out of solid granite. Peggy Ryan weighs about eight hundred pounds.
- Jack Malloy: How do you know?
- Mr. Floppy: Well, she's forty, isn't she? You do know you're not on the basketball team, don't you?
- Jack Malloy: Yeah. Yeah, I know. Just for one little moment I wanted to believe that I... was still young and life still had possibilities for me.
- Mr. Floppy: A dream you share with Michael Douglas.
- Jack Malloy: It's kinda hard dealing with the fact that my life is over and... nothing means anything anymore.
- Mr. Floppy: You're not gonna whip out the Kool-Aid, are you, Jack? Come on, don't get down, little Bright Eyes. The young folk you envy so, will soon have gas dreams, back pain, bald heads and a girlfriend that loves someone else, but marries you. Believe me, Jack, nothing *ever* changes.
- Jack Malloy: You know, Floppy, one thing I hope never does change is that... country music still sucks.
- Mr. Floppy: It's a good bet, Jack. I mean, it's pretty much required to suck in order to entertain a bunch of tobacco-chewing inbreds... who listens because it makes their cousins all cow-eyed and ready for love.
- Jack Malloy: Why do you think the Northridge dog traded the gold from Fort Knox for all that plutonium?
- Mr. Floppy: [ominously] Maybe he's building his own nuclear bomb.
- Jack Malloy: [has chart] Then how do you explain the blood bank?The trip to Mexico? And the mysterious pile of doodie at the bowling alley? Common thread, Floppy. Got to be a common thread! Floppy, you're a dog. What do you think is going on in this guy's head?
- Mr. Floppy: I'm a bunny, Jack. *A bunny!* If you don't know, how do you expect the viewers to? This is why I didn't get the pudding pot commercial!