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- Barbara Caufield
- (as Wendy Benson)
- Mr. Floppy
- (voice)
- Director
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- All cast & crew
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Storyline
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- Quotes
Tiffany Malloy: [aspiring star reporter] Front page story for the Northridge Gazette. Mindy Gallackson scored eighty points in a girls' basketball game. Eighty points!
Barbara Caufield: In a girls' basketball game?
[shakes her head]
Barbara Caufield: I mean, it's like Bosnia. You know it's there, somewhere, but you don't care.
Tiffany Malloy: You mean, sort of like news radio?
Barbara Caufield: A word of wisdom from your Editor-in-Chief. "Dog bites man," that's nothing. "Bosnia dog bites man," that's really nothing, but "Dog buys gun and robs blood bank," that's news.
[proudly displays front page of latest copy]
Barbara Caufield: Front page news!
[hands over newspaper]
Barbara Caufield: That was one crazy dog!
Tiffany Malloy: Every story on this front page was written by you. And isn't this an exact replica of the Harvard newspaper masthead?
Barbara Caufield: Yes, it is. And I think it will look good along with my Harvard application. See, one of the things I've found *most* important in my journey to greater education, is the ability to brown-nose.
[teacher approaches]
Barbara Caufield: Hello, Professor Dawson!
[Professor Dawson just walks past]
Barbara Caufield: Hello, Professor Lewis!
[he, too, just walks past]
Barbara Caufield: Hello, Jorge!
[cleaner halts in his tracks]
Barbara Caufield: I must say the floors have been so free of garbage, vomit and urine lately,
[simpering:]
Barbara Caufield: thank you, amigo!
Janitor: My name is not Jorge.
Barbara Caufield: That's okay. World cup go Mexico.
Janitor: I'm from Pakistan.
Barbara Caufield: Oh. Well, congratulations on your newfound nuclear capabilities.
[janitor walks away]
Barbara Caufield: Use them wisely.
[waves, then turns back to Tiffany]
Barbara Caufield: You can never brown-nose too much. That's why I'm nice to everyone.
Ryan Malloy: [arrives] Hello, Barbara.
Barbara Caufield: Drop dead.
[walks away]
Ryan Malloy: You know, Tiff, I think I'm finally hitting my stride with girls. Just today, I was sitting in the car at the stoplight, right? A really pretty girl in a short skirt walks up to me and says "You want a date?" I mean, she's asking me! This girl who people would pay fifty or a hundred dollars to be with!
Tiffany Malloy: Ryan... She was a prostitute.
Ryan Malloy: Prostitute, Catholic, I don't care!
[shakes head happily]
Ryan Malloy: This isn't Belfast!