- Tiffany Malloy: It's not what it looks like, Mom, I'm not involved with any of these boys. I'm just... doing it for the money.
- Jack Malloy: [covers his ears] Baby virgin, baby virgin, baby virgin...!
- Jennie Malloy: Jack, calm down!
- Jack Malloy: ...baby virgin!
- Jennie Malloy: She's not dead, just *ruined!*
- Jack Malloy: Angel, who are these men? What are their names and where do they live? I, uh... I have a gun I bought in South Carolina. It's not registered. I got it the day you were born just for something like this!
- Amber Moss: [asked by nerd boy how he could make himself attractive to girls:] Cover your face with thousand-dollar bills!
- Amber Moss: [asked if she was aiming to go to college:] Are you kidding? College doesn't guarantee you a future! That's why I'm learning to dance on a table!
- Tiffany Malloy: [as Jack tries to bribe the Dean] Daddy, I'm already in.
- Jack Malloy: I know, I'm just gonna close it for you. You can thank me later.
- [to the Dean:]
- Jack Malloy: I, uh... I happen to be in the car game, and I can get you a great deal on a purple Gremlin with very low mileage, driven lovingly by an unsuccessful pimp, dashboard fur is like new. I'd give you Blue Book on your trade-in. What do you drive?
- Harvard University Dean: A '96 Mercedes SL 500.
- Jack Malloy: Jiminy Christmas!
- [laughs]
- Jack Malloy: I take my five back! Listen, I can see that you're a successful businessman, but I'm sure you can appreciate my daughter's entrepreneurial spirit. Why, did you know...
- Tiffany Malloy: [quickly] No, he doesn't, Daddy, that's what...
- Jack Malloy: ...that she earned money for college by having her picture taken with assorted geeks and gorks who couldn't get a girl if they... well, if they had your car?
- [picks up the framed photograph on the Dean's desk]
- Jack Malloy: Oh, I see she brought a sample of her work.
- [looks at picture of Dean's son with Tiffany]
- Jack Malloy: Wow, will you look at this guy, huh? How she can stand there smiling next to something like *that* I will never know.
- [compares to Dean's face]
- Jack Malloy: Oh, there's a bit of a resemblance. Take away the hair, and...
- [the Dean is not amused]
- Jack Malloy: Uh-oh! I guess I'll just give you that five back!
- Harvard University Dean: Young lady, you are *not* Princeton material.
- Tiffany Malloy: Why not? You took Brooke Shields, for Pete's sake. What I did was no lower than Blue Lagoon!
- Jack Malloy: Now, Tiffany, how did you come to this sorry end? When exactly did my poor little angel go bad?
- Tiffany Malloy: Well, I wanted to get into Princeton so much I was willing to do almost anything.
- Jennie Malloy: That's how you get into show business, honey, not college.
- Jack Malloy: Then where's your star on Hollywood Boulevard?