- Tiffany Malloy: [Mom has appeared in school cafeteria, big embarrassment] What are you doing here?
- Jennie Malloy: I read in the school paper they're casting 'Romeo and Juliet.' I want you to try out for the part of Juliet. Did I ever tell you I tried out for Juliet once my sophomore year?
- Tiffany Malloy: No, but I'm afraid you're going to... Goodbye!
- [tries rushing off]
- Jennie Malloy: I lost the part to Charlene Tilton.
- [hissing:]
- Jennie Malloy: She was nothing! Blond, petite. Petite? You know what petite means? It means there is no place for the weight to go. If I got that part of Juliet, I'd be a star today, then I'd be doing infomercials when I was washed up. Nothing cheesy going like that belly-buster, no, something classy like that thing that cuts your hair with a vacuum.
- Jennie Malloy: The part went to Charlene Tilton. She was nothing! Blonde, petite. Petite! You know what petite means? It means there's no place for the weight to go. If I did that play, I'd be a star today. And I'd be doing infomercials when I was washed up. Nothing cheesy though like that Bellybuster, no...! Something classy like that thing that cuts your hair with a vacuum.
- Amber Moss: [on stage, as narrator of Romeo and Juliet opening scene] Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona, where we lay our scene...
- [waves]
- Amber Moss: Hi, Mom!
- Maureen Slattery: [at school, in front of all the children] Jennifer! Where is my enema bag?
- Jennie Malloy: [annoyed and dismayed] It's in the hall closet!
- Maureen Slattery: Oh, right next to yours?
- Jennie Malloy: [to her stage actress daughter] We're gonna be inseparable, Gypsy, I mean Tiffany. I'm gonna help you be the Juliet I could have been. I'm never leaving your side. Never ever!
- [Tiffany looks aghast at the prospect]
- Jennie Malloy: We're gonna be closer than Brooke Shields and her mom!
- Jack Malloy: [re Burbie the doll] If she ever wanted to see you again, she never should have slept with you in the first place. When will they ever learn?
- Mr. Floppy: Never! God bless 'em!
- Tiffany Malloy: [stage repetition] "Oh, Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name." Oh, come on, what a cliche!
- [clears throat]
- Tiffany Malloy: "Oh, Romeo, Romeo...!"
- Jennie Malloy: Cut! Honey, you must emote.
- Tiffany Malloy: Emote? What do you mean, Mom?
- Jennie Malloy: What I mean is suck it in, stick 'em out, and speak loud!
- Jennie Malloy: Tiffany, I'm sorry I locked you in the bathroom.
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, that's all right. I'm sorry I love Daddy more than you.