Nikki Cox: Tiffany Malloy

Quotes 

• Mr. Dunn : [to the blonde student in the short dress]  Oh, Patty, I suggest you start paying attention in my class. Your paper was not up to Priddy High standards.

  [she pays no heed, goes her way] 

  Mr. Dunn : Oh, and your dress is too short.

  [he walks on] 

  Mr. Dunn : Ah, Tiffany, my favorite student.

  Tiffany Malloy : [equally short dress, smiling proudly]  Thank you.

  Mr. Dunn : No, thank you. Your paper was A+ as usual. And that dress looks very beautiful on you.

  [obviously smitten] 

  Tiffany Malloy : [breathy voice]  Thank you, Mr. Dunn.

  Mr. Dunn : Eugene.

  [he goes off] 

  Patty McGurk : [coming up to Tiffany]  Hi, Miss Perfect.

  Tiffany Malloy : [preening, giggling]  I'm not perfect, but... Thank you.

  Patty McGurk : That wasn't a compliment. I was being sarcastic.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh? I was being falsely humble, so we're even.

  [laughs] 

  Tiffany Malloy : I'm witty too.

  [laughs] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Why can't we get along? I'm an A student, the teachers are just crazy about me, I'm pretty, I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm humble, I mean, if I weren't me, I'd wanna be my best friend so that I could be around me as much as possible.

  [Barry kisses her hand, and Amber holds the other one obsequiously] 

  Patty McGurk : [disdainful]  Do you know what I hate about you the most?

  Tiffany Malloy : No.

  Patty McGurk : Well, think.

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, I think I know, but it wouldn't really be nice to say.

  Patty McGurk : Go ahead.

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, okay. I think it's probably because I'm smart and wonderful and have unlimited potential, whereas the best you can hope for is becoming a waitress at Denny's.

  Patty McGurk : Gee, before it was just a blind, irrational hatred. Probably would have blown away by the end of the day. Now, I hate you forever.

  Tiffany Malloy : Uh. Good thing I held back.

  Patty McGurk : [walks off]  You'd better watch your back, Malloy.

  [bumps aggressively against her, then brushes contemptuously past Ryan] 

  Ryan Malloy : [thrilled]  Hah. Most I got in three years of high school.

  [rushes hopelessly after her] 

• Tiffany Malloy : [first lines, standing in front of her school locker, very short little black dress]  Some of the kids in this school are so vain.

  [opens all three locker doors, they each have mirrors, and she surveys her full-length image] 

  Ryan Malloy : Hey, Tiff.

  Tiffany Malloy : Hey.

  Ryan Malloy : [dumbfounded]  What is my combination again?

  Tiffany Malloy : 6 - 6 - 6.

  Ryan Malloy : Why the devil can't I remember that?

  [pretty blond girl purposefully parades by] 

  Ryan Malloy : Hey, Patty McGurk! The cheapest, stupidest girl in this whole school. God, I'm in love with her!

• Amber Moss : [trio of girls across the cafeteria watching them]  God, look at them! All they do, is look at us! Look at them!

  Tiffany Malloy : [gets hit by a spiteful blowpipe shot from Patty the ringleader]  Ow! What a pest! She's so 50-50 poly-cotton, I'm just gonna ignore her.

  Amber Moss : Like bums on a street corner, she should be ignored.

  Tiffany Malloy : Right. It would be silly to lose my temper over a little thing like a straw.

  [Ryan sneaks up, plays the same trick on her] 

  Tiffany Malloy : You idiot! I should rip your head off where you stand!

  Ryan Malloy : Hey, sorry!

  [pulls out chair to sit down next to his sister, and the trio laughs tauntingly at them] 

  Tiffany Malloy : She never stops! What am I gonna do?

  [turns to her brother] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Ryan, you're a slimy little coward, how do you handle the bullies in this school?

  Ryan Malloy : Hey, nobody ever messes with me around here.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, what do you do?

  Ryan Malloy : I'm under the protection of the lesbians.

  [demonstrates, scooting his chair towards some tough-looking chicks] 

  Ryan Malloy : Hey, J.J., how you doing?

  J.J. : [guyishly dressed, and in manners as well]  How you doing, Malloy?

  Ryan Malloy : Looking good, J.J. k.d. lang forever.

  J.J. : Forever.

  Tiffany Malloy : [as he scoots his chair back]  Why do they protect you?

  [skeptical, it's Ryan after all] 

  Tiffany Malloy : What do you do for them?

  Ryan Malloy : Oh, nothing much. I pick them up at their houses on Saturday nights, so their parents think they have a boyfriend. When their fathers tell me not to touch their daughters, I go down on my knees and swear that I won't, and I don't.

  [adding confidentially, grinning:] 

  Ryan Malloy : Sometimes they let me watch.

  Tiffany Malloy : Yours is a weird little life.

• Tiffany Malloy : [just been convinced by Ryan to stand up against bullies]  You're right. I'm going to stand up for perfect people everywhere.

  Patty McGurk : [derisive tone, from across cafeteria]  Oh, look! The Barbie doll stands up! Guess she wants to tease the boys some more!

  Tiffany Malloy : You're right! You're right, I will tease them.

  [Yells out:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Patty's late this month!

  [all the boys run off] 

  Tiffany Malloy : You're right, big brother, I do feel good.

  [but behind her, blond tornado Patty comes looming up] 

  Patty McGurk : [snarling]  Three o'clock in the quad. I'm gonna hurt you.

  Tiffany Malloy : [whining]  Today?

  Patty McGurk : Yes, today!

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, wait!

  [grabs her day planner] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, I can't today, nail appointment. I'd cancel anything else. My nails define the very essence that is me.

  Patty McGurk : [recognizes herself in that, laughs]  Say no more!

  [grabs her day planner too] 

  Patty McGurk : Let's see... No, Tuesday I have a bikini wax. How about Wednesday?

  Tiffany Malloy : Big sale at the mall.

  Barry : Oooh!

  [makes note of that in his day planner, with Amber observing keenly] 

  Patty McGurk : Thursday?

  Tiffany Malloy : Uh-uh.

  [names another appointment] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, I'll make some calls, but I just don't think I can possibly get beaten up this week.

  Patty McGurk : [looking over]  Oh, I see an opening. Friday at three o'clock. Meet me in the quad. When I'm done with you, you'll look like you're pleather!

• Ryan Malloy : [suspicious, obviously disguised person at the door, enters]  Oh my God! What a thrill!

  [runs to stairway, yelling to upstairs:] 

  Ryan Malloy : Ross, Ross, get down here! Look, it's Blossom!

  [indeed, wears similar flower-decorated hat, and fake nose, a parody of the TV character] 

  Ross Malloy : [approaches girl now sitting on couch incredulously]  They're right! She really aren't better looking in person!

  Tiffany Malloy : Go away, you little creep!

  Ross Malloy : But you're a lot nicer on TV too. Remember what happened to Justine Bateman?

  Tiffany Malloy : [puzzled]  Who?

  Ross Malloy : Exactly.

  [goes off] 

  Tiffany Malloy : [taking off her disguise]  I've been ducking Patty for the last three days.

  Ryan Malloy : Now, don't worry, forget her. What's the worst that can happen? She smashes your nose, she crushes your face, and then you will look like Blossom!

• Tiffany Malloy : Mom, she follows me and she hounds me wherever I go. I have an appointment to get beaten up on Friday. I don't know what to do. I don't want to reschedule, because that would be bad form. It's not that she's all that big or scary, it's just that... I'm a chicken.

• Patty McGurk : [lazing on sun loungers on Hawaiian beach with her new friend]  It's better than fighting.

  Tiffany Malloy : Yes, well, I always say, the best way to solve a problem is by talking things through. And, of course, stealing your parents' plain ticket to Hawaii.

  Patty McGurk : You think we could get something to drink? I mean, we're under-age.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, definitely. I had the most incredible stroke of luck. An old friend of my Mom's works here.

  [calls:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, Suzanne!

  [decrepit old blonde waitress with an eye patch comes shuffling over]