Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Pilot (2003)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.

  Judith Harper : Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.

  Alan Harper : Okay. That would probably go on the "don't" side.

• Alan : [leaving a message on Charlie's aswering machine]  Hey, Charlie! My wife just kicked me out and I'm losing the will to live! Are you there?

• Alan : Charlie, the key under the fake rock only works if it's with other rocks, not sitting on your doormat!

• Alan : She just threw me out after ten years!

  Charlie : How did you get in my house?

• Charlie : Look at you. All grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now? On a scale of one to two?

  Alan Harper : I'm not back living with Mom. I'm simply staying here until Judith and I work things out.

  Charlie : So... one?