Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Pilot (2003)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jake : Why is your head exploding?

  Charlie : Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.

  Jake : If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?

  Charlie : Nobody likes a wise-ass, Jake.

  Jake : You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass".

  Charlie : Tell you what. Here's $20. That should cover me until lunch.

• Jake : Your mom is my grandma?

  Charlie : Yep.

  Jake : Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

• [Charlie tells Jake he wrote the song to a cereal jingle] 

  Jake : No lying?

  Charlie : Kid, if I wanted to lie to you, I would have said I wrote "Stairway to Heaven".

• Alan : She just threw me out after ten years!

  Charlie : How did you get in my house?

• Laura : You are a bad, bad boy!

  Charlie : And yet, you're always the one getting spanked!

• Girl on phone : [Charlie's home phone rings and redirects to voicemail]  Listen, you lousy SOB! I will not be treated like this! Either you call me, or you're going to be very, very sorry! I love you, monkey man!

  Laura : Charlie, who was that?

  Charlie : Damn telemarketers!

  Laura : A telemarketer who calls you "monkey man"?

  Charlie : I'm on some weird list!

• Charlie : Look at you. All grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now? On a scale of one to two?

  Alan Harper : I'm not back living with Mom. I'm simply staying here until Judith and I work things out.

  Charlie : So... one?

• [first lines] 

  Laura : [picks up a black dress]  So, what do you think?

  Charlie : Wow. It's for you, right?

  Laura : It's for both of us. Don't go away.

  [proceeds to Charlie's bathroom to change into the dress] 

  Charlie : Don't worry. There's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.