- Alan Harper: If we're going to be a couple, I wanna be the husband.
- Charlie Harper: [Mockingly] Who's gonna believe you're the husband!
- Alan Harper: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's *been* a husband!
- Charlie Harper: [Mockingly] You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
- Alan Harper: Nevertheless... I'm going to be the husband in *this* one.
- Charlie Harper: [Said after Alan walks out of the room] Well, la-di-dah!
- Alan Harper: Oh, boy. Charlie, we need to talk.
- Charlie Harper: For the last time, you look stunning.
- Alan Harper: No, we need to get our story straight.
- Charlie Harper: What story?
- Alan Harper: We're supposed to be a couple. I mean, uh, how long have we been together? How did we meet?
- Charlie Harper: Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand and bought you from a guy.
- Alan Harper: I am serious. If we're going to pull this off, we need to be convincing. I mean, do we have a favorite song? Cute names for each other? I mean, I don't even know if we're dog people or cat people.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, I forgot to tell you. The guy I bought you from in Thailand had your vocal cords removed.