Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake (2003)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Alan : Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that it was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake, and you said, "I understand".

  Charlie : Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't even mean I'm listening to you!

• Alan : [sarcastically]  Are you happy?

  Charlie : Yeah. I have my moments, but they're becoming further apart.

• Alan : Can we talk about this picture that Jake drew?

  Charlie : What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it! Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!

• Alan : Hey! Where've you been?

  Charlie : I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

• Charlie : Jeez, Alan! I don't sleep with every buff surfer-chick that uses my shower. What kind of guy do you think I am?

  Alan : I think you're the luckiest bastard to walk the face of the earth, but that's not my point. I - I - I don't want women flashing their butt tattoos at my son!

• Alan : Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.

  Charlie : Which half?