Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls (2004)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Charlie Harper : Hey, did you know that Mom's birthday was a couple of weeks ago?

  Alan : Yeah. I sent her some flowers and a card.

  Charlie Harper : Ah, man! Would it have killed you to put my name on the card?

  Alan : As a matter of fact, I did put your name on it. I... I wrote, "Love, your sons, Alan and Charlie".

  Charlie Harper : Damn.

  Alan : What?

  Charlie Harper : She tricked me into thinking I forgot!

• Dr. Melnick : [Alan is returning the "The Harpers" welcome mat that he stole the night before]  So, you came over unannounced, to apologize for coming over unannounced?

  Alan : I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

• Charlie Harper : So, where's Jake?

  Alan : Sleeping at a friend's. He'll get dropped off tomorrow.

  Charlie Harper : Oh, man! I rented a movie I thought he'd like.

  Alan : Oh? What'd you get?

  Charlie Harper : Don't worry. It's educational.

  Alan : [Charlie gives Alan the DVD]  "One Million Years B.C."? How... How is this educational?

  Charlie Harper : Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs in a fur bikini? What is that, if not history?

• Alan : So, you ever been married?

  Dr. Melnick : My wife passed away.

  Alan : Oh... Oh! I'm... I'm sorry.

  Alan : [pause]  No alimony, though. You gotta love that!

• Alan : Show me the better!