Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Bad News from the Clinic (2004)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Charlie Harper : [Alan asks Charlie why he isn't out on a date with his new lady friend]  Sherri? I'm playing that slow.

  Alan Harper : Really? Do you mean at, uh, a leisurely pace, or as if you were developmentally challenged?

• Alan Harper : [fighting over homework]  Why can't you just learn it now?

  Jake Harper : Because there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.

• Alan Harper : [Charlie plans to break up with Sherri]  Why?

  Charlie Harper : Because she's a self-centered, manipulative narcissist.

  Alan Harper : So are you.

  Charlie Harper : Hello?

• Alan Harper : Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?

  Charlie Harper : Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag.