Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, "Dune buggies. Woohoo!"

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : [hung up in a parachute in the neutral space]  Ah, dammit! The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." But, if you got someone at home that loves you, rage responsibly. And, if you're thinking about jumping off a bridge, don't tell your girlfriend.

• Christopher Titus : [Erin is stuck under a bridge, and Titus is trying to assuage her fear of falling]  Hon, don't worry, okay? This... this happens all the time.

  Dave Scouvel : It does?

  Christopher Titus : Shut. Up.

• Christopher Titus : [in the neutral space]  Erin is my protector. She's gotta get over that. 'Cause I don't wanna be 80, sitting in some nursing home with her telling me I can't slide off the roof in a bedpan. 'Cause I'm gonna.

• Christopher Titus : Where are you going?

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Back to the van.

  Christopher Titus : Well, you insisted to be here to make sure I was safe. You know, if you go sit in the van and I die, well, that's your fault.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : But if I stand *next* to the van... your fault.

  [before he can argue] 

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Endsies.

• Christopher Titus : [in the neutral space]  Adrenaline is the best drug. It's made free right in your body. All you gotta do is jump off something wearing the right equipment. O-Or mess with my dad.

  [holding up a football helmet] 

  Christopher Titus : Wearing the right equipment.

• Christopher Titus : Hon, doing things like this make me feel like I'm ripping into life, and... and, you know, maybe you can't get your mind around that because your rush is... is... buying shoes. And shoes are great. But I need more than that.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Pine box and six feet of dirt?

  Christopher Titus : Yes. And a headstone that reads "Here lies Christopher Titus. Despite his girlfriend's misgivings, he enjoyed life thoroughly, thank you. Oh, and he was great with cars."

  Tommy Shafter : You know, I wanna be cremated. And as you all know from my Christmas letter, I don't wanna be kept on life support.

  Dave Scouvel : I do. I wanna be vegetable.

  Christopher Titus : [snickering]  "Wanna be"?

  Dave Scouvel : [confused]  What?

  Christopher Titus : Nothing.

• Erin Fitzpatrick : Christopher, if you jump off this bridge, and something goes wrong, you would be lucky to be Dave.

  Christopher Titus : Oh, I am not gonna be a vegetable. And-and... besides, I won't survive it, anyways.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : But I will survive, and I would be without you.

  Christopher Titus : Aw. I know it's your duty as my girlfriend to say stuff like that, but, you know, it's my duty as me... to jump anyway.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : [blocking his way]  No! No! Please don't. We have so much to lose.

  Christopher Titus : We're not gonna lose anything.

  [she blocks him as he tries to go around her, then tightly hugs him] 

  Christopher Titus : [groaning]  Look, all right, I'm not that great. You'll get over me. I mean, I don't listen to you, I don't plan on listening to you anytime soon. Oh, my god, do I say stuff like that?

  Dave Scouvel : And he has anger problems.

  Christopher Titus : Yeah.

  Dave Scouvel : Eventually, you and I are gonna hook up, anyway.

• Christopher Titus : [rescuing Erin]  I got you.

  Dave Scouvel : I got you.

  [letting go as his cell phone rings] 

  Dave Scouvel : Hello? Hello? Oh, hey, baby. How you doin'? Oh, nothing much.

  Christopher Titus : DAVE!

  Dave Scouvel : I'm on the phone.

  Christopher Titus : DAAAAVE!

  Dave Scouvel : What? What is so important?

• Christopher Titus : [in the neutral space]  I can save anyone from tragedy. It's all about thinking quick and finding the perfect word to help people be... un-tragedied.

  [pointing to his temple, indicating his brain] 

  Christopher Titus : It's all right here.

• Christopher Titus : [in the neutral space]  Dave fears nothing. He would've been a great fireman, except he can't grow a mustache.

  [flashback to him, Dave, and Tommy as kids; Dave swings a baseball bat at a hornets' nest] 

  10 Year-Old Tommy : Dave, be careful! I'm allergic to bees!

  5-Year-Old Dave : Shut up, Tommy. It's nature's piñata. Olé!

• Christopher Titus : Honey, are you okay?

  Erin Fitzpatrick : That made me so hot.

  Christopher Titus : What?

  [she kisses him with passion] 

  Christopher Titus : [in the neutral space]  Different women are turned on by different things. Turns out near-death experiences make Erin *hoooot*! Next anniversary, after dinner on the way home, I'm having Dave put on a mask and carjack us.

  [imitating a seductive cat meow] 

• Christopher Titus : You know, when we get married, I think you should wear a black wedding dress.

  [she looks at him like he's nuts] 

  Christopher Titus : Ah! There's that look. Good girl. All right, grab the rope.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : What kind of pig wears a black wedding dress?

  Christopher Titus : I was thinking leather and some red pumps and some fishnets. Grab the rope!

• Christopher Titus : Honey, are you all right?

  Erin Fitzpatrick : I banged my arm a little, but I think I'm fine. A little... little scrape. I'M STUCK IN A BRIDGE! Get me down, get me down, get me down!

  Christopher Titus : Okay, okay, your chute's stuck. There is no way you're gonna fall.

  Dave Scouvel : Unless you move a lot and loosen it.

  Erin Fitzpatrick : I'm gonna die. I'm too young to die. It's so high.

  Christopher Titus : No, no, no, no, no. That's not what he meant.

  Dave Scouvel : Yes, it is. If she moves, she'll fall and die.

  Christopher Titus : [yanking his rope]  Dave!

  Dave Scouvel : Oh! Oh! Oh! I almost fell. What a rush. Do it again, Titus.

  Christopher Titus : [slapping his head]  Shut up!

  Dave Scouvel : Ow!