Titus (TV Series)

Tommy's Not Gay (2001)

Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• Christopher Titus : In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : Everybody's a racist. Wouldn't it be easier if people stayed with people like them? 'Cause then you could have the gay people over here

  [points in one direction] 

  Christopher Titus : and the Filipinos over here

  [points in another direction] 

  Christopher Titus : and the Mexican people over here! Then everybody of the same group would be over there,

  [points in another direction] 

  Christopher Titus : and over there, and over there, and over there, and over there,

  [the pointing becomes a Nazi salute] 

  Christopher Titus : and over there, and over there, and over there, and over there. You see how this can get out of hand?

  [turns off light] 

• [Titus, Erin, and Dave are trying to prove that Tommy isn't gay] 

  Dave Scouvel : I'll settle this.

  Tommy Shafter : What?

  [Dave grabs Tommy and kisses him - long and hard] 

  Tommy Shafter : [disgusted]  Oh, my God!

  Dave Scouvel : Did you like that?

  Tommy Shafter : No!

  Dave Scouvel : Then you're not gay.

  Tommy Shafter : What?

  Dave Scouvel : Hey, if he's not turned on by me, he's not gay.

  Christopher Titus : [scared]  You have got to stop smoking pot.

• Dave Scouvel : Anybody who beat up a gay guy is probably gay.

  Christopher Titus : If you even *look* at your lip balm, I will punch you myself.

  Dave Scouvel : Well, that is ridiculous.

  [as Titus turns around, Dave quickly squirts breath spray into his mouth] 

  Dave Scouvel : [Titus turns back and stares menacingly at Dave] 

  [as Titus turns around, Dave quickly squirts breath spray into his mouth] 

  Christopher Titus : [Titus turns back]  *Dave*!

  [Dave squirts breath spray into Titus' mouth] 

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who are exactly like us. And it doesn't matter. White. Black. Red. Yellow. Purple, uh oh, the purple people, are the worst. Man. All prejudiced and birth marky. But, we've got to learn to get past our differences. I learned that at the museum of tolerance. After my dad beat the crap out of a guy over a parking spot.

• Ken Titus : Look, you practically grew up at Tommy's, and Perry was always good to you, right?

  Christopher Titus : Yeah. When we were kids, every Saturday he'd make that pineapple upside down cake, with the...

  Ken Titus : [interrupting]  Yeah, it figures. See, Perry was like a big woman, and you needed that sometimes. Hell, he was the only chick in the neighborhood I didn't try to pork.