Titus (TV Series)
Titus Is Dead (2000)
Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus
Quotes
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Christopher Titus : You're a nurse. You're supposed to be sterile and clean. And having sex with my dad, dirty.
Nurse Kathy : It's not just sex. I love him.
[Christopher, Erin, Tommy and Dave burst out laughing]
Erin Fitzpatrick : Say it again. Say it again.
Nurse Kathy : I love him.
[more laughter]
Nurse Kathy : People laugh at what they don't understand.
Christopher Titus : No, no. No, we get it and it's hilarious. Because, because every woman who falls in love with my dad ends up trying to kill him.
[laughs]
Erin Fitzpatrick : What's funny about that?
Christopher Titus : Laughter, absolute terror. Fine line.
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[first lines]
Christopher Titus : I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. C'mon, you push a guys face in a cake, he's got to clean his face. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guys in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week. It's funny.
[laughs]
Christopher Titus : [sobers] You're not supposed to have a heart attack. It kills the joke.
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[last lines]
Christopher Titus : I gave my father a heart attack. And the memory of what I did is burned in my brain, like the bomb going off over Hiroshima, or the Hindenburg explosion, and...
[grimaces, mimes riding a pony]
Christopher Titus : Oh the humanity.
[switches off light]
Christopher Titus : I can still see it.
-
Nurse Kathy : Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.
Christopher Titus : Woah, woah, woah. *Attempted* murderer. And I would have plead it down to manslaughter.
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Christopher Titus : A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
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Erin Fitzpatrick : Here's some rubbing alcohol.
Christopher Titus : Ahh, pour it in my eyes!
Christopher Titus : What?
Christopher Titus : The nurse and dad are having *sex*!
[Erin gasps]
Tommy Shafter : [entering from the living room] Mr. Titus wants some salt, but I think I can sneak some Mrs. Dash by him.
Erin Fitzpatrick : Papa Titus and the nurse are having sex!
[Tommy begins wheezing]
Christopher Titus : Tommy!
Tommy Shafter : [still wheezing] Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Christopher Titus : Tommy!
Dave Scouvel : [entering from the bedroom] Now that is Jell-O with a capital "O".
Tommy Shafter : [still wheezing] Mr. Titus and the nurse are having sex!
Dave Scouvel : Wow. That would explain the sounds of dad and the nurse having sex.
-
[Ken has just proposed to Kat]
Ken Titus : It's important I get it right this time. After you screw things up with Erin, you'll understand.
Christopher Titus : I am not going to screw things up with Erin, because I don't marry every woman I have sex with!
Erin Fitzpatrick : Excuse me?
Christopher Titus : [realizing what his comment sounded like] I didn't mean it like that.
Ken Titus : You see? You see? You're screwing it up right now!
Erin Fitzpatrick : So you have no intention of marrying me?
Christopher Titus : [trying to get focused back on Ken] No, I'll marry you!
Erin Fitzpatrick : Oh, nice, you sound so excited about it.
Christopher Titus : Honey, can I stop this man from making his sixth mistake before you and I talk about our first?
[Titus again realizes what his comment sounded like]
Christopher Titus : Marriage!
[metaphorically grasping for something to hold onto]
Christopher Titus : I love you!
-
[Ken has said that he loves Kathy, the personal nurse Titus hired]
Christopher Titus : It's just the angina talking!
Dave Scouvel : [gasp] It talks?
Christopher Titus : *AN*gina.
-
Christopher Titus : [Kathy throws the gang out for agitating Ken] Me? YOU'RE the one having sex with him. You're agitating him!
Nurse Kathy : That's what you know. I'm always on TOP!
Christopher Titus : [in Neutral Space, Titus is rocking in his chair, horrified, with his hands over his ears, singing] The firrrrrst noellllll...
Nurse Kathy : [as she mimes riding a horse in front of a horrified Titus, Dave, Erin and Tommy] THAT'S RIGHT BABY! RIDING HIGH!
Ken Titus : [puts arm around Kathy] Look at me, I'm a cowboy!