- [Bill punches Mom in the face]
- Titus: There are three things keeping me from killing you. #1 It's Erin's wedding day. #2 My mom's in the next room and if I kill you she'll scold me. #3 I'm still making payments on this tux, so I can't get your blood on it but, when I'm married, and I'm dressed casually and it's stuff I own, ooooh, I'm so kicking your ass.
- Bill: Where is all this anger coming from?
- Titus: Well, some of it's from my child-hood but a little of it's from you punching my mom in the face.
- Bill: Someone's got their judgement hat and their jury pants on today.
- Titus: Where's my tux?
- Tommy Shafter: Somebody's bringing it.
- Titus: "Somebody" who?
- Tommy Shafter: Nobody. Dave.
- Titus: No!
- Titus: Mom. He hit you!
- Juanita Titus: Everybody has quirks.
- Titus: Mom, a quirk is when you pass gas, you say "there you be!"
- Dave Scouvel: Hey, I'm quirky!
- Titus: Dave.
- Juanita Titus: Christopher, I make it happen. Bill says it's part of my sickness. And he does everything he can before he has to hit me. Tell them, Bill.
- [first lines]
- Titus: Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Well, actually, it's only 41 percent, but my dad's 100% divorce rate threw off the curve.
- [last lines]
- Titus: Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. I don't know the percentage for murder. My mum killed her last husband. I say last husband 'cos you don't get another one after that. Pretty hard personal ad to get answered. Wanted, loving, caring man who can take a bullet. Okay. So, put the judge here, and the, uh, prosecutor here. You know what ? I'm going to let the bailiff handle it.