- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: [turns on light] When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!
- Christopher Titus: Dave's my brother, I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory!
- [last lines]
- Christopher Titus: When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
- [turns off light]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: [Erin's boss, who thought Erin was gay, admits to sexually harassing her] I thought you wanted to be "girlfriends". I didn't know you wanted to be *girlfriends*.
- Ken Titus: You know why divorces cost so much Tommy?
- Young Tommy: No, Mr. Titus.
- Ken Titus: Because they're worth it! Hahahaha!