- [running into a police station]
- Christopher Titus: Uh, excuse me. Christopher Titus; my brother's been arrested.
- Steve: Who's your brother?
- [Chris shakes Steve's hand]
- Christopher Titus: You must be new here.
- Christopher Titus: Honesty...
- [confused look]
- Christopher Titus: ... but that is not the way of my people.
- Christopher Titus: All he does is mess with people's minds.
- Ken Titus: You're right. I do.
- Christopher Titus: See, you're doing it right now!
- Ken Titus: No, I'm not.
- Christopher Titus: Yes, you are.
- Ken Titus: All right, I am.
- Christopher Titus: Stop it!
- Christopher Titus: Oh, I cannot believe Dave. What did he do this time?
- Steve: Grand theft.
- Christopher Titus: Grand theft? That's a real crime.
- Steve: [with heavy sarcasm] And this is a *real* police station.
- Ken Titus: And your brother is a real criminal.
- [Chris nonverbally communicates to Erin that Ken had him and Dave thrown in jail]
- Ken Titus: He's lying.
- Ken Titus: All right! All right! You can move back in. But it's going to cost you a hundred bucks a month.
- Dave Titus: Fine! Fine! But I want my room painted!
- Ken Titus: Agreed. You buy the paint and you paint it.
- Dave Titus: You watch me!
- Officer Charlie Regan: Excuse me, Mr. Titus. Are you sure this is your VCR?
- Ken Titus: Damn straight!
- Officer Charlie Regan: We found half an ounce of marijuana in it.
- Dave Titus: Yeah, that's his piece of crap VCR. But the pot is mine!
- Christopher Titus: Dave, please listen to your inside voice right now.
- Dave Titus: What's it saying?
- Christopher Titus: Shut the hell up and get your stuff!
- Dave Titus: Well, my inside voice is rude!
- Christopher Titus: Erin has a special relationship with my father. She makes it possible for him and I to communicate. I mean without her, I'd be talking about him instead of to him.
- [angrily]
- Christopher Titus: Thanks honey, nice!
- Ken Titus: Does the perpetrator have any recognizable scars?
- Christopher Titus: Only emotional.
- Ken Titus: There's no box for that. I'll just check "Other".
- [Dave has revealed that Titus told him not to tell Ken about moving out]
- Christopher Titus: I said "Don't tell dad," but I also said
- [to Dave, through gritted teeth]
- Christopher Titus: "don't tell dad I told you not to tell dad"!
- Dave Titus: Oh, yeah.
- [Titus slaps the glass window and bonks Dave on the nose]
- Tommy Shafter: Mr. Titus, I think having Christopher arrested is acting out in a way that's just plain unhealthy.
- Ken Titus: I disagree. I had a headache before, but now it's gone.
- Tommy Shafter: Hey, Titus, can I have a quarter for the meter?
- Officer Charlie Regan: Yellow Subaru?
- Tommy Shafter: Yeah.
- Officer Charlie Regan: Too late.
- [Titus is "translating" what dysfunctional people mean]
- Christopher Titus: [Ken approaches Dave and snaps his fingers] "May I have the remote?"
- [Dave scoffs]
- Christopher Titus: "*I* am currently using the remote."
- Ken Titus: It's ironic you're watching synchronized swimming when your girlfriend drowned last month.
- [Dave whimpers, then runs off in tears]
- Ken Titus: [takes the remote, sits down, and changes the channel] All right. Go Niners!
- Christopher Titus: "Next time, just give me the remote."