The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #2.3 (2005)

Chris Langham: Hugh Abbot

Photos 

Quotes 

• Oliver Reeder : Who wants to go and watch bollockvision?

  Hugh Abbott : Bollockvision?

  Oliver Reeder : Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven down in the lobby. Come and have a look.

  [cut to them all watching Tucker shouting at another minister on an adjacent floor from a balcony] 

  Hugh Abbott : Poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place, four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock shop.

  Glenn Cullen : Trouble is we're going to be getting some of that in about an hour.

  Hugh Abbott : Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like a prostate cancer or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.

  [Terri, whose father just died, looks at him] 

  Hugh Abbott : Oh. How's your sister coping?

• Malcolm Tucker : So, did you enjoy the show?

  Glenn Cullen : You were magnificent, darling!

  Hugh Abbott : Yeah, should I phone Keith so I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?

  Malcolm Tucker : No no no. Have I got my bollocking face on?

  Hugh Abbott : Well, I...

  Malcolm Tucker : [making a seriously scary face]  No, this is my bollocking face.

  Hugh Abbott : Oh, crickey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.

  Malcolm Tucker : Did I send that?

  Hugh Abbott : As an office warming present.

  Malcolm Tucker : Christ, she's a great PA isn't she, Sam? She always remembers the little people. Look at the size of that fucker, you can fucking crucify somebody on that!

• Claire Ballantine : Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before?

  Hugh Abbott : No, No... I am not a liar! I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly i might not have done.

• Hugh Abbott : So, citizenshit. What we need to do to knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondle-y, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.

  Glenn Cullen : New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing?

  Hugh Abbott : Yeah. Yeah.

  Oliver Reeder : Making special needs kids clean up graffiti.

  Hugh Abbott : Yeah, that's just very mean.

  Oliver Reeder : Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell graffiti. That genuinely is very mean.

  Glenn Cullen : [gets up and leaves]  I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.

  Oliver Reeder : OK.

  Hugh Abbott : You just took a shit with your clothes on, Olly.

  Oliver Reeder : Why?

  Hugh Abbott : Glenn's boy, Peter, he went to a special needs school.

  Oliver Reeder : Oh.

  Hugh Abbott : Yep.

  Oliver Reeder : Glenn's had sex.

  Hugh Abbott : God, you are such a prick, Olly. There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking Blackberry.

  Oliver Reeder : All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy, I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know.

  [with a smile] 

  Oliver Reeder : Luckily I was able to fulfil them.

  Hugh Abbott : Oh, God, you're such a...

• Hugh Abbott : [looking at a 7 foot pot plant in his office]  Where did that come from?

  Oliver Reeder : Oh, Malcolm sent it.

  Hugh Abbott : It's far too big. Why did he send it?

  Oliver Reeder : Er, office warming present.

  Hugh Abbott : So why did he send us a present?

  Oliver Reeder : I dunno.

  Hugh Abbott : Has security checked this?

  Oliver Reeder : What for? Tiny little terrorists?

  Hugh Abbott : Yes.

  Oliver Reeder : It's a plant! "Yes"?

• Malcolm Tucker : I like your tan, by the way. Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?

  Hugh Abbott : I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, yeah, and I'm not really your friend anyway.

  Hugh Abbott : You're not really my friend.

  Malcolm Tucker : So, this super-schools bill. You don't think it's so super, do you?

  Hugh Abbott : You're doing it now.

  Malcolm Tucker : What?

  Hugh Abbott : That's your bollocking face.

• Hugh Abbott : Is Tucker in the building?

  Oliver Reeder : Malcolm in the Middle.

  Hugh Abbott : Huh?

  Oliver Reeder : It's what they're calling him, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.

  Hugh Abbott : Well, I don't want to see him, not at the moment.I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.

• Hugh Abbott : Just grow up, Terri!

  Terri Coverley : You should be the one that's doing the growing up!

  Hugh Abbott : I am a fucking grown-up, thank you!

  Terri Coverley : You could have fooled me, Hugh!

  Hugh Abbott : Glenn's son could have fooled you! No offence, Glenn. I'm sorry.

• Hugh Abbott : Christ, Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely of glass?

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm a shape shifter.

• Hugh Abbott : [hiding from Malcolm]  A man in his 50s, hiding.

• Hugh Abbott : [entering the new offices]  Bit too light and airy for my liking.

  [points at some backless, bench-like purple sofas] 

  Hugh Abbott : Ooh, and... these are awful. Do we have to have those? They look like Alicia's Barbie furniture

  Terri Coverley : Do you think they match?

  Hugh Abbott : Well, they can't... Not if you're going to wear that dress. One of them's going to have to go and I'd rather it was the sofas.