The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #2.2 (2005)

Peter Capaldi: Malcolm Tucker

Photos 

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : Stop swearing? Oh ok, I'll stop swearing, you MASSIVE GAY SHIT - FUCK OFF!

• Malcolm Tucker : [Tucker's 8:30 meeting]  Morning, morning, morning. Allright, I wanna have a little bit of a think about some of our presentation issues with regard to yesterday. There seemed to be a bit of a problem with Liam on Newsnight. I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know the lines?

  Steve : It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We grilled him beforehand. He's got a new baby, he's not getting enough sleep.

  Malcolm Tucker : I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care if he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about! No, I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? And that is your job!

  [points to everyone in turn] 

  Malcolm Tucker : And your job! And yours and yours and yours and yours! With all your respective Ministers! Give them the lines, right?

  Robyn Murdoch : Give them all the lines to say.

  Malcolm Tucker : This is the delightful Robyn, she's just with us today, standing in for Terry Coverley at the Department of Social Affairs, so let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, the Department of Stupid Announcements and the Department of Sod All! Right, next!

  Robyn Murdoch : Reshuffle?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yes, there is a pending reshuffle. I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! There was a young girl from DoSA, who helped herself to a samosa. No, next time I'll come up with something, just a bit of fun. Yes, the reshuffle, no, yes, definitely, we don't know anything. I don't know anything, so we can't say anything. But, you know, even if we did, we wouldn't, but we don't, so we both can't and won't. Right, next?

  Steve : What about Julius Nicholson? I've got it yesterday he was looking at the MoD taking over the UK security from the Home Office?

  Malcolm Tucker : See, that was flown by one of Nicholson's mob. I'm spending half of my time now dealing with that rubbish that Nicholson's putting out there!

  Steve : There's a Sunday piece in the pipeline about you and him not getting along. Just wondered if you've got a line.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah. 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected advisor. He now has a wide ranging brief and his blue-sky vision and helicopter-thinking will enable this government to go, in his own phrase, beyond delivery and beyond that'. That's the line, ok? And if he does stick his baldie head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about policemen's helmets should be yellow or let's set up a department to count the moon, just treat him like someone with Helzheimer's disease, you know? Just say 'yes, that's lovely, that's good, we must talk about that later', ok?

• Malcolm Tucker : Alright, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? Blue-sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist? He's being a nuisance to me, he's also got plans of squizzing your department so hard, you'll be lucky to be left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I'm doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk?

  Hugh Abbot : Circle jerk?

  Oliver Reeder : Alot of guys in a circle, all, you know... Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Glenn]  Tony Mack in the Lobby, you know him, right? Call him, now. Tell him that you're getting that Nicholson is gonna get Foreign Sec in the reshuffle.

  Glenn Cullen : [on the phone]  Tony! Hi! How's it dangling, yeah? Listen, I just want to run something past you. I wonder if you're hearing what, you know, I've been hearing, that Nicholson's gonna be getting Foreign Sec.

  Malcolm Tucker : Hugh, who is your top mate in the commenteria?

  Hugh Abbot : Colin Sykes.

  Malcolm Tucker : Colin Sykes? That's your top mate? Call him up!

  Hugh Abbot : [on the phone]  Hi, Colin! It's Hugh Abbot speaking, how are you? Got a decent back hand yet? Hugh, Hugh Abbot, we played tennis together. Yeah, yeah!

  Glenn Cullen : [on the phone]  I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary. Next thing we know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.

  Hugh Abbot : [on the phone]  Foreign Secretary is exactly where he should be, he's a smart guy. I think at one point I called him a dog rapist.

  [Tucker's phone rings] 

  Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone]  Cath! I don't know where it's come from, I've been getting it as well! Stonewall them, ok? I'll talk to the boss!

  [hangs up] 

  Malcolm Tucker : And now I'm gonna phone the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

  [on the phone] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Allright, boss? Yeah, look, I'm really sorry to interrupt you, but we're getting hit on the blind side here! Stuff about Julius Nicholson? Cath's and I phones are both white hot. Stuff about him becoming Foreign Sec! Am I out of the loop here? Well, person that's most likely to be getting his mates to put this kind of stuff around is Julius Nicholson. You put so much hope in them, they always let you down. I think maybe Julius needs to have his wings clipped a wee bit, you know. Do you wanna do it? I think you're right, I think it's better if I just had a little chat. I'll see you in the morning. Night.

  [hangs up] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Fucking brilliant! Eight missed messages! Sleep lightly.

• Malcolm Tucker : Hughey?

  Hugh Abbot : Just thought you'd like to know as soon as possible. Terry's dad?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah?

  Hugh Abbot : No news.

  Malcolm Tucker : So, you've come to talk about the reshuffle, then?

  Hugh Abbot : Yeah. In terms of shuffley stuff, how's Neil? Is his heart...?

  Malcolm Tucker : Have you not heard? He's paralised. Neil's on wheels. He's a vegetable.

  Hugh Abbot : Oh, dear.

  Malcolm Tucker : Mind you, that means you could have his department.

  Hugh Abbot : Oh, you ARE kidding. Fuck you very much.

  Malcolm Tucker : I know you're looking for mouth-to-mouth on the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it and even the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.