- Lieutenant Worf: Captain! They're now locking lasers on us.
- Commander William T. Riker: Lasers?
- Lieutenant Worf: Yes, sir.
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Lasers can't even penetrate our navigation shields, don't they know that?
- Commander William T. Riker: Regulations... do call for yellow alert.
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Hm... Very old regulation. Well, make it so, Number One. And reduce speed. Drop main shields as well.
- Commander William T. Riker: May I ask why, sir?
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard: In case we decide to surrender to them, Number One.
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Now, please follow Commander Riker's instructions so our ship can get back to its normal routine.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Whatever you say, Captain.
- [Riker grins]
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Something funny?
- Commander William T. Riker: Well, the unexpected *is* our normal routine.
- Guinan: Look, it's just you and I here. We're talking, we're having an intimate conversation. Why? Because you're a 'droid and I'm a 'noid.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: But why?
- Guinan: Because that's what I am.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Have I said something to offend you?
- Guinan: No.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Then why are you annoyed?
- Guinan: [slowly] Because you're a *'droid* and I'm a *'noid*.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Humanoid.
- Guinan: Yes.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: You told a joke.
- Guinan: Yes!
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: I am not laughing.
- Guinan: Yes!
- The Comic: You, pal, are a tough room.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: "Tough room"?
- [accesses his data bank]
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Ah! A colloquialism, meaning a severe, rigid, close-minded audience. I understand. I will attempt to be an easy room.
- [Worf finds Okona in deep embrace with a woman in her quarters]
- Lieutenant Worf: You will come with me to the main bridge!
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: I'm sure it can wait a few minutes?
- [continues kissing the woman]
- Lieutenant Worf: NOW!
- [Okana turns and has a stare-down with Worf]
- Lieutenant Worf: [growls] I'd like that! But I have my orders.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: [smugly] Some other time.
- [Okana turns to the woman he was kissing]
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Remember what it took to drag me from your arms!
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: I come from a town so small, we had a fraction for a zip-code. -... - It was so small, in fact, we didn't have a godfather of crime, we had a nephew.
- Wesley Crusher: Say goodbye, Data.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Goodbye, Data.
- [crew laughs]
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Was that funny?
- Wesley Crusher: [laughs]
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Accessing. Ah! Burns and Allen, Roxy Theater, New York City, 1932. It still works.
- [pauses]
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Then there was the one about the girl in the nudist colony, that nothing looked good on?
- Lieutenant Worf: We're ready to get under way, sir.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Take my Worf, please.
- Commander William T. Riker: [to Captain Picard] Warp speed, sir?
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Please.
- [Data is attempting to tell a joke]
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: A monk, a clone and a Ferengi decided to go bowling together...
- Guinan: [explaining to Data why his joke was not funny] Data... you spoiled the joke. But it could have been your timing.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: My timing is digital.
- [Guinan laughs softly]
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: What?
- Guinan: That's funny.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Have you ever been cold?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: No.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Warm, then?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: No.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: What about drunk? Ever do that?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: From alcohol? That is not possible for me, sir.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Pity. What about love?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: The act or the emotion?
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: They're both the same.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: I believe that statement to be inaccurate, sir.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: [handing Wesley his defective guidance system] Commander, I leave this in your capable hands.
- Wesley Crusher: Sir, this is Commander Data. I'm just an acting ensign.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Well, acting ensigns have names, don't they?
- Wesley Crusher: Wesley. Wesley Crusher.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Nice to meet you, Acting Ensign Wesley Wesley Crusher.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Now, that's sex appeal!
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Sexual attraction in this context is not a part of my programming. I am an android.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Well, then, have you seen any good-looking computers lately?
- [Data is acting as a comedian in front of a holo-audience]
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Good evening, ladies and germs.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: A Klingon Security Officer?
- Lieutenant Worf: Yes.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: No wars available, eh?
- Commander William T. Riker: Mr. Okona appears to have excellent vision - as well as a healthy libido.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Life... is like loading twice your cargo weight onto your spacecraft. If it's canaries, and you can keep half of them flying all of the time... you're all right.
- The Comic: Tell me, Data, what happened?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: I told a joke.
- The Comic: And?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: No one laughed.
- The Comic: No one? Nobody in the whole room?
- Guinan: I was the whole room.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: She said I spoiled the joke.
- Guinan: Actually, 'killed' would have been a better word.
- Guinan: Being able to make people laugh or being able to laugh is not the end-all and be-all of being human.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: No. But there is nothing more... uniquely human.
- Capt. Thadiun Okona: Yanar, you're angry at the embarrassment of all this. And maybe the timing and the approach is not the most romantic, but I know you love Benzan, and I don't want to see you throw away that feeling just because your parents have been quarreling for years and don't know how to behave properly.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Then, there was the one about the girl in the nudist colony, that nothing looked good on.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: I simply want to know what is funny. I want to be able to involve myself in other people's laughter. I wish to join in.