Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (TV Series)

Rules of Acquisition (1993)

Max Grodénchik: Rom

Photos 

Quotes 

• Pel : [Pel has entered the room where the Grand Nagus, Rom and Quark are dining with the intent of revealing her identity as a female. Quark and Rom are nervous]  So... You like my lobes?

  Quark : [nervously]  Pel...?

  Zek : [a little confused]  Uh... Yes, I do.

  Pel : [indignant]  Good! Then you can have them!

  [Pel rips off her false lobes, revealing her small ears] 

  Quark : [shouts as he jumps forward and covers Pel's ears with his hands; over the Nagus's screaming]  NO!

  Zek : [Screaminging in horror]  OOOHH! It's a female!

  Rom : Does that mean I get the bar?

  Quark : [through his teeth]  Rom. Out!

  [Quark kicks Rom out of the room] 

  Zek : [enraged]  Quark, this is outrageous! Now, what is going on here?

  Quark : [stuttering]  Well, I-I-I...

  Pel : [standing in front of Quark protectively]  Leave him out of this!

  Zek : You *dare* give me orders!

  [points accusingly at Quark] 

  Zek : You knew about this all along?

  Quark : [still stammering]  I...

  Pel : [reproachful]  So, tell me about my "big future"!

  Zek : [to Pel; accusingly]  You have *no* future! I'll see to it that you spend the rest of your life behind bars!

  Quark : [Quark steps forward, standing protectively in front of Pel. With stern finality]  NO.

  Zek : Let me remind you that taking business advice from a female is a violation of Ferengi law.

  Quark : I didn't know she was a female.

  Zek : Stupidity is no excuse. Now, one more word out of you and you are going to share her cell.

  Quark : Then you better make sure it's big enough for three.

  Zek : [suspiciously]  Are you threatening me?

  Quark : I wonder what your associates say when I tell them that you allowed a female to represent you in a business negotiation.

  Zek : [echoing Quark's words]  I didn't know she was a female.

  Quark : Stupidity is no excuse.

  [Zek silently realizes that Quark is right - they all didn't know that they were working with a female] 

• [Pel has removed her "lobes" in front of Nagus Zek] 

  Rom : Does this mean I don't get the bar?

• [Pel is whispering in Rom's ear about something during a tango game. Rom is loudly voicing his refusal] 

  Rom : No, absolutely not! This is not the right time to discuss!

  Quark : [signalling Rom to be quiet; Very annoyed]  I am trying to concentrate!

  Rom : I'm sorry, brother! It's this insolent young waiter's fault!

  Pel : [holding out what looks like dried peas]  My apologies Quark, but I really think you should try one of these.

  Quark : What's this?

  Pel : A way to double your profits. Taste it.

  [Quark does, a second later he takes a sip of his drink] 

  Pel : [to Rom]  You see? He immediately reached for his drink.

  Quark : [something begins to dawn on him]  So I did...

  [Quark excitedly snaps his fingers, signaling Pel to give him another one of the dried peas. Again, he reaches for his drink after popping the pea into his mouth] 

  Quark : [enthralled]  Amazing... You don't even realize you are thirsty! What are they?

  Pel : Gramilian sand peas. They inhibit secretions the salivary glands while drying out the tissues of the tongue. It works every time.

  [leans over the table] 

  Pel : If you replace your complimentary dishes of locker beans with Gramilian sand peas, you won't be able to fill your customers' glasses fast enough.

  Quark : [leans over the table, intrigued by Pel's expertise in business]  What is your name?

  Pel : Pel. So what do you think about my idea?

  Quark : I think I believe in the fifty-ninth rule of acquisition - Free advice is seldom cheap.

  Pel : True, but the twenty second rule says - A wise man can hear profit in the wind.

  Quark : [smiles]  I see you know your rules.

  Pel : [nods]  All two hundred and eighty-five of them. And the various commentaries as well... I don't plan on being a waiter forever.

  Rom : Good. Then you're fired!

  Quark : Shut up Rom!