Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (TV Series)

Profit and Lace (1998)

Armin Shimerman: Quark

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rom : Moogieee! I was so worried!

  Ishka : You're a good son.

  Quark : I was worried too.

  Ishka : And you're a good liar!

• [Grand Nagus Zek has given Ferengi females the right to wear clothes and make their own business] 

  Ishka : I predict that one day, a female will enter the Tower of Commerce, climb the forty flights of stairs to the Chamber of Opportunity, and take her rightful place as Grand Nagus of the Ferengi Alliance.

  [Zek looks at Quark, flabbergasted] 

  Quark : Don't look at me. It was your amendment.

• Quark : I just kicked the Grand Nagus out of my bar.

  Other Ferengi : *Acting* Grand Nagus!

  Quark : Whatever. I need to lie down.

• Zek : Rom may make a better female than you, but when it comes to business, you're the better Ferengi.

  Quark : [to Rom]  Looks like your stupidity has saved you again.

  Rom : It comes in handy sometimes.

• Quark : [as Lumba]  "Drink Slug-o-Cola, and keep your teeth that lovely shade of green."

  [Lumba's suggestion for a slogan for Nilva's drink] 

• Quark : Moogie and I argue all the time; it's our way of showing affection.

• [Zek has given Quark the "good news" that Ferengi females are allowed to wear clothes and make profit] 

  Quark : Better tell me the bad news. It might cheer me up.

• Quark : [as Lumba]  Stay away! Stay away, stay away.

  Nilva : [Chairman of the Slug-o-Cola company]  Ha! Marry me!

  Quark : I don't think your wife would approve.

  Nilva : Who cares? She hasn't touched my lobes in months.

  Quark : I can tell.

  Nilva : Oh, I need you.

  Quark : What you need is a cold shower!

  Nilva : What a good idea! Why, you can scrub my back.

  Quark : What if...

  Nilva : Yes?

  Quark : I told you...

  Nilva : Yes?

  Quark : I hate Slug-o-Cola?

  Nilva : Oh, so do I!

• Odo : I'm glad you had a pleasant evening.

  Quark : You're mocking me, aren't you?

  Odo : And you're being a little overly sensitive.

  Quark : I've only been a male again for six hours. My hormones must still be out of balance.

  [voice strating to crack with emotion] 

  Quark : My emotions are raging out of control.

  Odo : Is there anything I can do?

  Quark : [gasping; about to cry]  Would you m-mind... Giving me... A-A hug?

  Odo : A hug?

  Quark : Just a small one.

  [With a sigh, Odo nods his approval] 

  Quark : Thank you!

  [They hug. Quark sobs as he embraces Odo. Morn and Ferengi waiter look on surprised. Odo has a surprised yet pained look on his face. He awkwardly pats the crying Quark on the back] 

  Zek : [Entering, as Quark and Odo let go of the embrace]  I hope we're not interrupting anything.

  Odo : I better be off.

  [He exits quickly] 

• Ishka : I'm glad we have Nilva on our side, and we have you to thank for that, Quark.

  Quark : [teary-eyed]  Will you ever forgive me, Moogie?

  Ishka : Of course I do. You may be a lousy son, but you made a wonderful daughter.

  [Quark giggles bashfully] 

  Ishka : I hope the experience taught you something.

  Quark : It made me more compassionate, more empathetic, more nurturing. I feel like I'm trapped in my worst nightmare.

  Zek : Don't worry. I'm sure it won't last. You'll be back to your old self in no time.

• [Last Lines] 

  Aluura : [Alurra, the waitress Quark sexually harrassed in the beginning appears with a PADD in her hand]  Quark?

  Quark : Aluura.

  Aluura : [referring to the PADD in her hand]  I read the book.

  Quark : What book?

  Aluura : You know, "Oomox for fun and...

  Quark : [takes the book from her and throws it away]  You shouldn't be wasting your time reading that kind of trash!

  Aluura : [genuinely surprised]  But you told me to.

  Quark : [firmly]  *Forget what I said. It was wrong, and I apologize.*

  [gently] 

  Quark : You are a wonderful employee, and I'm lucky to have you working for me. In fact, as of today, I'm giving you a raise. Another two slips of latinum a week.

  Aluura : Really?

  Quark : It's the least I can do.

  [Alurra is at first elated by the news, but then her face falls] 

  Aluura : That's too bad.

  Quark : [thinking she is talking about the raise]  All right, make it three.

  Aluura : No, it's not that.

  Quark : Then what?

  Aluura : It's just that... Oo-mox sounded like fun.

  [as she speaks Quark shakes his head and makes sounds of protest] 

  Aluura : The tympanic tickle, the eustachian tube rub, the auditory nerve nibble... But if that's the way you feel...

  Quark : That is *exactly* the way I feel!

  [With what looks a little like a flirty smile, Alurra leaves. Quark sits alone, thinking about what she just said] 

  Quark : [to himself]  What am I saying?

  [jumps up; giving chase after her] 

  Quark : Allurra? Wait!

• [Quark and Ishka are arguing angrily, slinging insults at one another] 

  Ishka : [angrily]  You're... You're a...

  Quark : Go ahead! Say it!

  Ishka : [as if struggling to find the right word]  You're aaaa... .

  Quark : [screaming]  I'm AAAAAAAAAA what?

  [a shocked, even horrified expression comes across Ishka's face as she suddenly falls backwards and lands heavily on the floor] 

  Quark : [also shocked]  Moogie?

  [No answer; Quark begins to panic] 

  Quark : Moogie?

  [wails, rushing to her side] 

  Quark : MOOOGGIIIEE!

  [Quark crouches next to his unconcious mother; no longer angry but conscience striken] 

  Quark : Moogie... Moogie!

• Quark : You're nice to the customers, you're nice to the dabo girls, you're nice to the Ferengi waiters. You're nice to everyone - almost everyone.

  Aluura : You mean I've offended someone?

  Quark : Look closely, Aluura. Can't you see the pain in my eyes?

  Aluura : But I'm always nice to you.

  Quark : I think you could be nicer.

  Aluura : How much nicer?

  [Quark hands her a PADD] 

  Aluura : [reads]  "Oo-mox for Fun and Profit"?

  Quark : It's a quick read.

  Aluura : Ooh! You want me to be... "nice".