- Cartman: [whining] Mom! Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!
- Liane Cartman: Oooh! The tooth fairy must have been very happy with you!
- Record Label Executive: Plus, you're a mean-spirited bitch who spits on people who aren't rich and famous...
- [last lines]
- Jennifer Lopez: This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco? I had six platinum albums and starred in five Hollywood movies.
- Co-worker at La Taco: Yeah. Me too.
- Cartman: There! That's three more songs we've written already! Your style of music is so easy, it doesn't require any thought at all!
- Jennifer Lopez (Hand): Oh, si, si, si!
- Jennifer Lopez (Hand): I'm not who you think I am.
- BHI President: You're not?
- Jennifer Lopez (Hand): No. It was all a lie. A lie I cannot continue anymore. I am not Hennifer Lopez. I am...
- [Cartman rips off the small wig he had on his left hand, which transforms into a male voice]
- Mitch Connor: Mitch Connor.
- Mitch Connor: Just your run-of-the-mill con-man. I've been moving from town to town, scamming people since I was 15. But I'm tired of running.
- Kyle Broflovski: Oh no, no, no, no, no.
- Mitch Connor: I've been a cheater all my life. And now I've ruined a singer's career, lost a record company millions, and cost this little boy his precious time.
- Kyle Broflovski: [slightly annoyed] Stop. It.
- Mitch Connor: Mostly, I'm sorry to you, Ben. I'm sorry I played Tiddly Winks with your heart.
- [Ben Affleck sobs, while Cartman walks to one side of the bridge]
- Mitch Connor: But it's over now. The cyanide pill I took should be taking effect very soon. Hmph, looks like the sun is goin' down. I wonder, will I dream?
- [it is now sunset and Cartman's opens his hand and a gust of wind is heard, then his hand is back to normal]
- Police Officer #2: Well, looks like Mitch Connor has cashed in his last chips.
- Cartman: I just can't take it anymore, you guys. All the dancing, singing, the late-night parties--the Ben Affleck splooge--it has to stop.
- Jennifer Lopez (Hand): Ooh baby baby--can I have your tacos? Those tacos sure look good... I'm just Jenny from the Hood!
- Kyle Broflovski: Cartman! Stop wasting food on your hand! It's just coming out her backside!
- Jennifer Lopez (Hand): When you eat a taco, it comes out your backside too, chulo!
- Jennifer Lopez (Hand): [singing] Taco, taco!
- Record Label Executive #1: She's fantastic! Who is she?
- Record Label Executive #2: Believe it or not, her name is Jennifer Lopez.
- Record Label Executive #3: That makes sense. She reminds me of J. Lo
- Record Label Executive #1: Yeah, but she's younger and spicier!
- Jennifer Lopez (Hand): [singing] Taco, taco, burrito, burrito, taco, taco!
- Record Label Executive #3: I don't think J. Lo would like it very much if we sign this new girl.
- Record Label Executive #1: No, you're right. We're gonna have to fire J. Lo!
- Police Officer #1: [to the real Jennifer Lopez, who threatens Cartman with a chainsaw] Freeze, leafblower!
- [Kyle has been getting annoyed about Cartman's Jennifer Lopez hand]
- Kyle Broflovski: You're not actually buying this crap, are you?
- Stan Marsh: I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help it.
- Kyle Broflovski: Look, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's just waiting for us to buy into it, and then he'll laugh and point at our faces and say, "Haha, I got you guys to believe me!" "You guys are stupid!"
- Stan Marsh: Dude, do you really he would go through all this just to make us feel dumb?
- Kyle Broflovski: Yes, dude!