The Simpsons (TV Series)

Jaws Wired Shut (2002)

Hank Azaria: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, 'Soccer Mummy' Preview Announcer, Drederick Tatum, Duffman, Carl, Moe Szyslak, Professor Van Doren, Cletus, Derby Announcer #2

Quotes 

• Homer : I was just telling all the guys how losing the power of speech made me a better man.

  Lindsay Naegle : I couldn't agree more. You're today's modern, enlightened man; the kind we television producers have been booking since the mid-'70s.

  Carl : Hey, what are you doin' in here?

  Lindsay Naegle : I'm an alcoholic. Homer, will you appear on my show?

  Homer : Sure thing, Alky.

• Duffman : Hey, Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar love Duff?

  Carl : Hey, it's Duffman.

  Lenny : Newsweek said you died of liver failure.

  Duffman : Duffman can never die. Only the actors who play him.

  [thrusting his hips] 

  Duffman : Oh, yeah!

  Moe Szyslak : Ah, you must be here for the, uh, Duff trivia challenge.

  Duffman : That's right, local distributor. One of you could win a lifetime supply of Duff.

  [one of his bikini girls hands him an envelope] 

  Duffman : Okay, chug-monkeys. "What beverage brewed since ancient times is made from hops and grains?"

  Lenny : How about "Ancient Hop Grain Juice"?

  Homer : [trying to speak]  Beer! Beer! Beer!

  Moe Szyslak : Wait, wait, wait. Homer's trying to make a guess.

  Homer : Beer! Beer! Beer!

  Moe Szyslak : [Homer turns on one of his taps]  What are you doing? You're getting some kind of booze all over me.

  [Homer wails in despair] 

  Duffman : [blowing an air horn]  Time's up. The answer is... "beer." Ooh, Duff luck.

  Carl : I never would have figured that out.

  Lenny : That's the kind of thing you just gotta know.

  [Homer sobs into his hands] 

• Lisa : [seeing a "movie star scramble" game at the theater]  These are so easy. It's obviously Tom Hanks.

  [seeing the answer is Otm Shank] 

  Lisa : Who?

  Apu Nahasapeemapetilon : Otm Shank. He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy.

• Mayor Quimby : And so, for helping to K.O. litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum.

  Drederick Tatum : [applause]  Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children.

  Homer : [running away from movie ushers]  So long, suckers!

  [not looking where he's going, he runs into the statue's outstretched fist] 

  Homer : [in pain]  Oh... my mouth! My beautiful mouth.

  Drederick Tatum : [patting the statue's other arm]  Excellent bout. Now we go party.

• Homer : And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen. I learned so much about my family. You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in a while.

  Lenny : Really? Let's try it.

  Moe Szyslak : [after a moment of silence, from another room]  Hello? Yeah, I'd like to arrange, uh, for an escort, please. To where? How about "Orgasmville"?

• Marge : [returning home from the store]  Hm! All clean, just the way I left it.

  Homer : [in the family room]  I'm gonna kill you!

  Marge : Well, so much for the new Homer.

  [going to check, nothing's wrong] 

  Marge : What's going on?

  Bart : We're rehearsing a play.

  Homer : Yes, and I was merely reading the title, "I'm Gonna Kill You."

  Marge : Oh. It's just a false alarm.

  Homer : Yep. Nothing to get excited about.

  Marge : Well, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.

  Homer : [continuing as she leaves]  Professor Van Doren, so good to see you.

  Professor Van Doren : [entering]  Ah, rehearsing a play, I see.